WEDDING INSURANCE

 

Worried about the groom getting cold feet? There's an insurance policy for that.

With the cost of the average American wedding reaching about $26,000, insurers have been selling a growing number of policies to protect against losses from extreme weather, illness and, in one firm's case, even a sudden change of heart.

Cheryl Winter spent $500 for Hartford-based Travelers Cos. Inc. to cover her daughter's $50,000 destination wedding last October in New Orleans, where her biggest concern was a potential hurricane.

                                                                                    AP – Jan. 21^st, 2014

 

In the spirit of adventure that Barney and I believe infuses our relationship, we have decided to make our wedding not just special, not just memorable, but potentially extremely hazardous! Helmets will be provided, but you’ll have to bring your own unbreakable spirit with you! (As well as a signed and notarized liability waiver. See attachment “A”.)

Your part in our blessed commitment adventure will begin with a sure-to-memorable 22-hour flight to the tiny-but-proud country of Gorslava! (Well, technically you’ll have to fly into neighboring Perishistan, since the recent civil wars have really been hard on the airport in Gorslava.) Your flight will be followed by a scenic 13-hour bus ride, which will give you plenty of time to drink in the awesome, windswept Gorslavian tundra. It’s sure to be a breathtaking ride, especially since you’ll be slowly-but-surely climbing to an elevation of 10,000 feet! Wow! (Oxygen tanks will be available, for a nominal fee, on the bus, on a first-come, first-served basis.)

Once all our guests are settled in “Base Camp Becky” (Awww! Barney named it. Isn’t that sweet?), you’re invited to join us in participating in a sacred fire-walking ritual. Please note: In order not to offend either our Gorslavian hosts or their (apparently cranky) local deity, all wedding guests will be strongly urged to join in. No special footwear is required. Generous supplies of a local, millet-based alcoholic beverage will be provided to those who make it across the coals.

Then, the next morning, let’s get those toasty toes up early and set out on our hike up imposing Mount Khhaching! By nightfall we should make it to the quaint and picturesque village of Pho-Dhun, located somewhere around 13,000 feet up Mount Khhaching. (You won’t believe how fresh the air will smell!) Pho-Dhun is renowned for the intricate wool bibs the locals weave, as well as for its “Drink of the Heavens,” a mild hallucinogen called Krrrygst – generous supplies of which will be made available to all members of the wedding party.

The next day, to symbolize the glorious Circle of Life that Barney and I both believe in, having brought our guests up the mountain, we will bring them down again. Yes, after a refreshing night spent in the huts of Pho-Dhun, our wedding party will glide back down to the valley below. Or should I say hang-glide down into the magnificent KraK-Ow Valley below! For any shutterbugs attending, this would be the time to get those cameras out!

Once everyone has landed, reassembled, and received any medical attention they need, we’ll be off on a thrilling two-day yak ride to the Temple of the Flying, Angry, Fiery Serpent (don’t you just love those names?), a sacred spot to many Gorslavian mystics. When everyone has arrived at the Temple, a great feast will be laid out for us! Featuring local delicacies like yellow lichen stew, and a yak butter wedding cake, this is sure to be a meal to remember!

After the feast, and before the local fermented moss alcohol is brought out, it will be time for our actual wedding ceremony! The ceremony will – we hope – be performed by a local Holy Man. (We can’t go into any more details right now. See previous comment about Mr. Cranky Pants deity.)

Finally, in a spirit of communion and eternal remembrance, all our guests will receive a full-color Fiery Serpent mandala tattoo from a monk they call “Poison Pen.” How’s that for a keepsake, huh?

Both Barney and I really, really hope that you’ll be able to join us on this once-in-a-lifetime destination wedding. (We’d also be super-tickled if you were able to help contribute towards our wedding insurance – you wouldn’t believe how much it costs!) Sensible shoes are strongly suggested. Please ask your doctor about the (seven) required inoculations. Oh, and the locals are really, really sensitive about their deity, in case I didn’t make that clear already. (Barney wanted me to mention it one more time.)

Anyway, we’ll see you in Gorslava!