MODEST PRESIDENT AND FELLOW ATHLETE VLADIMIR PUTIN’S OFFICIAL RETRO-STYLE WELCOME TO VISITING TO RUSSIA OLYMPIC ATHLETES COMPETITORS

On this, the eve of the most wonderful and famous Sochi Olympics, I would like to extend a warm and heartfelt greeting to our soon to be visiting athletes. I trust you will find your visit to the great and noble country of Russia to be one of the most thrilling events of your life. Olympics will be something, too.

 

In order to help make your illustrious trip here so much more enjoyable, I offer a few words of advice for those who are unfamiliar with our proud and traditional culture. There is a great Russian saying: The rough road becomes smooth once you smash down the bumps. With my comments here today, I hope to smooth that road for our most honored visitors.

 

First, though I find the idea of homosexual athletes ridiculous, let me say this to any homosexual athletes, probably American, who are attending Sochi games: You are welcome, but your lifestyle ways are not. You may strive on the field of contesting, but please, leave children in peace.

 

Speaking now to any Negro American athletes who may be attending Sochi games, I say welcome! But please know that in Russia it is crime to steal chickens. Okay? If any homosexual American Negro athletes are coming, welcome – but please leave chickens and children in peace.

 

To our friends and athletes from African nations, I say welcome! You are treasured visitors here. And, unlike in your countries, we do not boil and eat visitors in noble Russia. So welcome, and enjoy the experience of living in civilized country for a few days.

 

To our friends and contestants from the land of South America, I also extend a warm welcome. But I tell you this: In Russia, we do not want your cocaine, and we do want keep our televisions. And we will count our televisions before grand Sochi games visitors have left, just so you know. So called “TV dash” may be athletic event in your country, but is not in Russia.

 

On related note to our Muslim friends coming to Sochi games, let me make it clear: Bomb throw may be big athletic event in your heathen culture, but not in Russian culture. If you want blow something up, please to do it on your own soil, not on proud, rich earth of Mother Russia.

 

As for our friends coming from the land down under, Australia, I say to you welcome! Though you are all spawn of drunken criminals, please know that we will not judge you for this here in glorious Russia. We will absolutely watch you, yes, keep an eye on you, for sure. But we will not judge you. Your money is just as good as anyone else’s at the hotel bar, yes?

 

Speaking of which, to our visitors from Ireland – welcome! I know you will learn to love fine Russian potato vodka. Just try not to drink too much before Sochi games begin, yes? Ha ha! Of course you will drink too much! Potato vodka is delicious and irresistible!

 

To our most esteemed Arab friends who are coming to Russia, let me say welcome, welcome, welcome! Though I don’t know how you can hope to compete while wearing ridiculous, flowing robes, welcome nonetheless. Please be advised: Though we value and respect your great wealth here in Russia, our customs dictate a man may only have one bride at a time. Our glorious Russian beauties are to be admired, yes, but they cannot be bought for to take home as wives. Sorry! I feel your heartbreak, really!

 

If we have any guests coming from nation of Haiti, I say to you, welcome. Is important to note, however, that voodoo is illegal in Russia. Russian citizens have already been warned that requests for pieces of cloth or clippings of hair for “souvenirs” are lies. To repeat: No voodoo. But welcome!

 

To our war-mongering friends from the country of Germany – welcome. I am so happy to think of your dreams of glory once again floundering on rich Russian soil. Welcome! Ha ha!

A special warm greeting to our visitors from Japan. Though you are tiny nation, and tiny people, I offer you a big, Russian welcome! Please enjoy stay in Russia, and maybe, when Sochi games are done, you will stay for longer visit to help Russian school children with homework, yes?

 

As for all you lady athletes coming to large, strong land of Russia, I wish to extend a warm and personal welcome. Should any of you have problems with drunken Irishmen or groping Arabs, I wish you to let me know personally. Such things will not be tolerated in Russia. I will have Kremlin staff give lady athletes my direct number, okay? Call me, day or night. I am always ready, you know what I mean?

 

So, let the games begin! Welcome! In the spirit of honorable competition I say welcome! You are welcome visitors, and will be treated with respect. All I request is that our traditions and culture also be treated with respect.