JUST HOW STUPID IS DENNIS RODMAN?

 

Announcer: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to tonight’s episode of Just How Stupid Is Dennis Rodman? And now, here’s your host, Chuck Palmer! (Applause.)
 

Chuck: Hello, hello! Good evening, and welcome to Just How Stupid Is Dennis Rodman? We’re glad you could join us tonight! We’ve got three new contestants with us, just raring to get going. A hearty welcome to them as well. (Applause.)
 

As you know, our show works like this: We field three contestants, and ask them a series of questions relating to Dennis Rodman’s knowledge of the world. The goal is not to give the correct answer, per se, but rather, to give the answer that Dennis Rodman would give.
 

And how do we know what answer Dennis Rodman would give? Well, we’ve asked him all these same questions ahead of time, so the answers are, at least in the view of Dennis Rodman, accurate representations of the facts in question. Of course, sometimes he does accidently get something actually, factually correct, so players, stay on your toes, alright? (Laughter.) Alright! Now, let’s get started, shall we?
 

First, let’s meet tonight’s contestants. (Applause.) Up first, is Chelsea Slowden, she’s nineteen, and an unemployed single mother of three from Bittercreek, Alabama. Welcome, Chelsea! (Applause.) Next, meet Lionel Frobbush. Lionel is fifty-four, has never been married, and still lives with his mother in beautiful, scenic Bleak Falls, Minnesota. (Applause.) And finally, please say hello to Desmond Gibbons, who is just five years old. (Applause.) Desmond, I’m guessing that you still live with your mother, too – am I right? (Laughter.)
 

Alright contestants, let’s begin, shall we? Tonight’s first question falls under the heading of world history. Are you ready? Our first question: Who won World War II? Was it: A) The United States and their European allies. B) Germany and Japan. C) The Earthlings. Or D) The Martians.
 

Chelsea: I’m gonna go with B, Chuck.
 

Lionel: Most interesting, Chuck. But, from a Rodman perspective, I would concur with Chelsea that B seems the most promising answer.

Desmond: Ima thay A, Thuck.

Chuck: Oh, I’m so sorry contestants. This was a tricky one. But the correct incorrect answer was actually C. Dennis Rodman answered that “The Earthlings” won World War II. And Desmond, I’ll just caution you to be wary of giving the actual, factual correct answer too often. This is Dennis Rodman we’re talking about, after all. (Laughter.)

Desmond: Thorry, Thuck.

Chuck: Okay, moving on to the next question. This from the category of world affairs. This small Asian nation is known for, among other things, having an economy based on gross domestic happiness. Are we talking about: A) Vietnam. B) Bhutan. C) Chinatown. Or D) North Korea. Contestants, what will it be? Chelsea?

Chelsea: Gotta go with D, Chuck.

Lionel: Well, Chuck, I feel the need to point out that “Chinatown” is not a nation.

Chuck: Lionel, I know that, and you know that. But the question is, does Dennis Rodman know that? (Laughter.) Your answer, please.

Lionel: D, Chuck.

Desmond: Me thay D, Thuck.

Chuck: Now that’s more like it! (Applause.) Of course, the correct incorrect answer is D, North Korea, with the actual correct correct answer being B, Bhutan. But boy, you know, given the sad state of the North Korean economy, maybe theirs is based on gross domestic unhappiness, am I right? (Laughter and applause.) Anyway, congratulations, contestants! (Applause.)

Now, we have time for one more question before we have to take a commercial break. Contestants, please listen carefully. This is another from the category of world history. This elite unit of warriors first came officially into being sometime around the year 1120, and were known, among other things, for their distinctive emblem, a large, red cross.

Am I talking about: A) The Red Cross. B) The Chicago Bulls. C) The Knights Templar. Or D) The Rolling Stones. Alright, contestants, what are your answers?

Chelsea: Uh, the Red Cross?

Lionel: Given his personal history and utter lack of historical knowledge, Chuck, I’ll go with B, the Chicago Bulls.

Desmond: I’ll thay C, Thuck.
 

Chuck: We have a new leader, folks! (Applause.) Congratulations, Lionel! The correct incorrect answer was indeed B, the Chicago Bulls, who, as any fool can tell you, did not actually exist until quite a few years after 1120. (Laughter.) Sorry, Chelsea. And Desmond, let me caution you again, young man, about giving too many actual, factual answers. Remember, you’re playing Just How stupid Is Dennis Rodman? (Laughter.) Facts don’t necessarily matter! Am I right? (Laughter and applause.) And we’ll be right back after these messages!