WEDDING INSURANCE

 

Worried about the groom getting cold feet? There's an insurance policy for that.

With the cost of the average American wedding reaching about $26,000, insurers have been selling a growing number of policies to protect against losses from extreme weather, illness and, in one firm's case, even a sudden change of heart.

Cheryl Winter spent $500 for Hartford-based Travelers Cos. Inc. to cover her daughter's $50,000 destination wedding last October in New Orleans, where her biggest concern was a potential hurricane.

                                                                                    AP – Jan. 21^st, 2014

 

In the spirit of adventure that Barney and I believe infuses our relationship, we have decided to make our wedding not just special, not just memorable, but potentially extremely hazardous! Helmets will be provided, but you’ll have to bring your own unbreakable spirit with you! (As well as a signed and notarized liability waiver. See attachment “A”.)

Your part in our blessed commitment adventure will begin with a sure-to-memorable 22-hour flight to the tiny-but-proud country of Gorslava! (Well, technically you’ll have to fly into neighboring Perishistan, since the recent civil wars have really been hard on the airport in Gorslava.) Your flight will be followed by a scenic 13-hour bus ride, which will give you plenty of time to drink in the awesome, windswept Gorslavian tundra. It’s sure to be a breathtaking ride, especially since you’ll be slowly-but-surely climbing to an elevation of 10,000 feet! Wow! (Oxygen tanks will be available, for a nominal fee, on the bus, on a first-come, first-served basis.)

Once all our guests are settled in “Base Camp Becky” (Awww! Barney named it. Isn’t that sweet?), you’re invited to join us in participating in a sacred fire-walking ritual. Please note: In order not to offend either our Gorslavian hosts or their (apparently cranky) local deity, all wedding guests will be strongly urged to join in. No special footwear is required. Generous supplies of a local, millet-based alcoholic beverage will be provided to those who make it across the coals.

Then, the next morning, let’s get those toasty toes up early and set out on our hike up imposing Mount Khhaching! By nightfall we should make it to the quaint and picturesque village of Pho-Dhun, located somewhere around 13,000 feet up Mount Khhaching. (You won’t believe how fresh the air will smell!) Pho-Dhun is renowned for the intricate wool bibs the locals weave, as well as for its “Drink of the Heavens,” a mild hallucinogen called Krrrygst – generous supplies of which will be made available to all members of the wedding party.

The next day, to symbolize the glorious Circle of Life that Barney and I both believe in, having brought our guests up the mountain, we will bring them down again. Yes, after a refreshing night spent in the huts of Pho-Dhun, our wedding party will glide back down to the valley below. Or should I say hang-glide down into the magnificent KraK-Ow Valley below! For any shutterbugs attending, this would be the time to get those cameras out!

Once everyone has landed, reassembled, and received any medical attention they need, we’ll be off on a thrilling two-day yak ride to the Temple of the Flying, Angry, Fiery Serpent (don’t you just love those names?), a sacred spot to many Gorslavian mystics. When everyone has arrived at the Temple, a great feast will be laid out for us! Featuring local delicacies like yellow lichen stew, and a yak butter wedding cake, this is sure to be a meal to remember!

After the feast, and before the local fermented moss alcohol is brought out, it will be time for our actual wedding ceremony! The ceremony will – we hope – be performed by a local Holy Man. (We can’t go into any more details right now. See previous comment about Mr. Cranky Pants deity.)

Finally, in a spirit of communion and eternal remembrance, all our guests will receive a full-color Fiery Serpent mandala tattoo from a monk they call “Poison Pen.” How’s that for a keepsake, huh?

Both Barney and I really, really hope that you’ll be able to join us on this once-in-a-lifetime destination wedding. (We’d also be super-tickled if you were able to help contribute towards our wedding insurance – you wouldn’t believe how much it costs!) Sensible shoes are strongly suggested. Please ask your doctor about the (seven) required inoculations. Oh, and the locals are really, really sensitive about their deity, in case I didn’t make that clear already. (Barney wanted me to mention it one more time.)

Anyway, we’ll see you in Gorslava!

 

MODEST PRESIDENT AND FELLOW ATHLETE VLADIMIR PUTIN’S OFFICIAL RETRO-STYLE WELCOME TO VISITING TO RUSSIA OLYMPIC ATHLETES COMPETITORS

On this, the eve of the most wonderful and famous Sochi Olympics, I would like to extend a warm and heartfelt greeting to our soon to be visiting athletes. I trust you will find your visit to the great and noble country of Russia to be one of the most thrilling events of your life. Olympics will be something, too.

 

In order to help make your illustrious trip here so much more enjoyable, I offer a few words of advice for those who are unfamiliar with our proud and traditional culture. There is a great Russian saying: The rough road becomes smooth once you smash down the bumps. With my comments here today, I hope to smooth that road for our most honored visitors.

 

First, though I find the idea of homosexual athletes ridiculous, let me say this to any homosexual athletes, probably American, who are attending Sochi games: You are welcome, but your lifestyle ways are not. You may strive on the field of contesting, but please, leave children in peace.

 

Speaking now to any Negro American athletes who may be attending Sochi games, I say welcome! But please know that in Russia it is crime to steal chickens. Okay? If any homosexual American Negro athletes are coming, welcome – but please leave chickens and children in peace.

 

To our friends and athletes from African nations, I say welcome! You are treasured visitors here. And, unlike in your countries, we do not boil and eat visitors in noble Russia. So welcome, and enjoy the experience of living in civilized country for a few days.

 

To our friends and contestants from the land of South America, I also extend a warm welcome. But I tell you this: In Russia, we do not want your cocaine, and we do want keep our televisions. And we will count our televisions before grand Sochi games visitors have left, just so you know. So called “TV dash” may be athletic event in your country, but is not in Russia.

 

On related note to our Muslim friends coming to Sochi games, let me make it clear: Bomb throw may be big athletic event in your heathen culture, but not in Russian culture. If you want blow something up, please to do it on your own soil, not on proud, rich earth of Mother Russia.

 

As for our friends coming from the land down under, Australia, I say to you welcome! Though you are all spawn of drunken criminals, please know that we will not judge you for this here in glorious Russia. We will absolutely watch you, yes, keep an eye on you, for sure. But we will not judge you. Your money is just as good as anyone else’s at the hotel bar, yes?

 

Speaking of which, to our visitors from Ireland – welcome! I know you will learn to love fine Russian potato vodka. Just try not to drink too much before Sochi games begin, yes? Ha ha! Of course you will drink too much! Potato vodka is delicious and irresistible!

 

To our most esteemed Arab friends who are coming to Russia, let me say welcome, welcome, welcome! Though I don’t know how you can hope to compete while wearing ridiculous, flowing robes, welcome nonetheless. Please be advised: Though we value and respect your great wealth here in Russia, our customs dictate a man may only have one bride at a time. Our glorious Russian beauties are to be admired, yes, but they cannot be bought for to take home as wives. Sorry! I feel your heartbreak, really!

 

If we have any guests coming from nation of Haiti, I say to you, welcome. Is important to note, however, that voodoo is illegal in Russia. Russian citizens have already been warned that requests for pieces of cloth or clippings of hair for “souvenirs” are lies. To repeat: No voodoo. But welcome!

 

To our war-mongering friends from the country of Germany – welcome. I am so happy to think of your dreams of glory once again floundering on rich Russian soil. Welcome! Ha ha!

A special warm greeting to our visitors from Japan. Though you are tiny nation, and tiny people, I offer you a big, Russian welcome! Please enjoy stay in Russia, and maybe, when Sochi games are done, you will stay for longer visit to help Russian school children with homework, yes?

 

As for all you lady athletes coming to large, strong land of Russia, I wish to extend a warm and personal welcome. Should any of you have problems with drunken Irishmen or groping Arabs, I wish you to let me know personally. Such things will not be tolerated in Russia. I will have Kremlin staff give lady athletes my direct number, okay? Call me, day or night. I am always ready, you know what I mean?

 

So, let the games begin! Welcome! In the spirit of honorable competition I say welcome! You are welcome visitors, and will be treated with respect. All I request is that our traditions and culture also be treated with respect.

JUST HOW STUPID IS DENNIS RODMAN?

 

Announcer: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to tonight’s episode of Just How Stupid Is Dennis Rodman? And now, here’s your host, Chuck Palmer! (Applause.)
 

Chuck: Hello, hello! Good evening, and welcome to Just How Stupid Is Dennis Rodman? We’re glad you could join us tonight! We’ve got three new contestants with us, just raring to get going. A hearty welcome to them as well. (Applause.)
 

As you know, our show works like this: We field three contestants, and ask them a series of questions relating to Dennis Rodman’s knowledge of the world. The goal is not to give the correct answer, per se, but rather, to give the answer that Dennis Rodman would give.
 

And how do we know what answer Dennis Rodman would give? Well, we’ve asked him all these same questions ahead of time, so the answers are, at least in the view of Dennis Rodman, accurate representations of the facts in question. Of course, sometimes he does accidently get something actually, factually correct, so players, stay on your toes, alright? (Laughter.) Alright! Now, let’s get started, shall we?
 

First, let’s meet tonight’s contestants. (Applause.) Up first, is Chelsea Slowden, she’s nineteen, and an unemployed single mother of three from Bittercreek, Alabama. Welcome, Chelsea! (Applause.) Next, meet Lionel Frobbush. Lionel is fifty-four, has never been married, and still lives with his mother in beautiful, scenic Bleak Falls, Minnesota. (Applause.) And finally, please say hello to Desmond Gibbons, who is just five years old. (Applause.) Desmond, I’m guessing that you still live with your mother, too – am I right? (Laughter.)
 

Alright contestants, let’s begin, shall we? Tonight’s first question falls under the heading of world history. Are you ready? Our first question: Who won World War II? Was it: A) The United States and their European allies. B) Germany and Japan. C) The Earthlings. Or D) The Martians.
 

Chelsea: I’m gonna go with B, Chuck.
 

Lionel: Most interesting, Chuck. But, from a Rodman perspective, I would concur with Chelsea that B seems the most promising answer.

Desmond: Ima thay A, Thuck.

Chuck: Oh, I’m so sorry contestants. This was a tricky one. But the correct incorrect answer was actually C. Dennis Rodman answered that “The Earthlings” won World War II. And Desmond, I’ll just caution you to be wary of giving the actual, factual correct answer too often. This is Dennis Rodman we’re talking about, after all. (Laughter.)

Desmond: Thorry, Thuck.

Chuck: Okay, moving on to the next question. This from the category of world affairs. This small Asian nation is known for, among other things, having an economy based on gross domestic happiness. Are we talking about: A) Vietnam. B) Bhutan. C) Chinatown. Or D) North Korea. Contestants, what will it be? Chelsea?

Chelsea: Gotta go with D, Chuck.

Lionel: Well, Chuck, I feel the need to point out that “Chinatown” is not a nation.

Chuck: Lionel, I know that, and you know that. But the question is, does Dennis Rodman know that? (Laughter.) Your answer, please.

Lionel: D, Chuck.

Desmond: Me thay D, Thuck.

Chuck: Now that’s more like it! (Applause.) Of course, the correct incorrect answer is D, North Korea, with the actual correct correct answer being B, Bhutan. But boy, you know, given the sad state of the North Korean economy, maybe theirs is based on gross domestic unhappiness, am I right? (Laughter and applause.) Anyway, congratulations, contestants! (Applause.)

Now, we have time for one more question before we have to take a commercial break. Contestants, please listen carefully. This is another from the category of world history. This elite unit of warriors first came officially into being sometime around the year 1120, and were known, among other things, for their distinctive emblem, a large, red cross.

Am I talking about: A) The Red Cross. B) The Chicago Bulls. C) The Knights Templar. Or D) The Rolling Stones. Alright, contestants, what are your answers?

Chelsea: Uh, the Red Cross?

Lionel: Given his personal history and utter lack of historical knowledge, Chuck, I’ll go with B, the Chicago Bulls.

Desmond: I’ll thay C, Thuck.
 

Chuck: We have a new leader, folks! (Applause.) Congratulations, Lionel! The correct incorrect answer was indeed B, the Chicago Bulls, who, as any fool can tell you, did not actually exist until quite a few years after 1120. (Laughter.) Sorry, Chelsea. And Desmond, let me caution you again, young man, about giving too many actual, factual answers. Remember, you’re playing Just How stupid Is Dennis Rodman? (Laughter.) Facts don’t necessarily matter! Am I right? (Laughter and applause.) And we’ll be right back after these messages!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FAT BOY!

 

Kim Jong-Un:

 Making North Korea despot to be for doughy dictators.



          Due to an unexpectedly high volume of concerns during the rollout of portions of the Affordable Care Act, we are seeking additional public feedback before continuing with implementing the ACA. Despite our best efforts, it seems that we may have been unaware of some sensitivities and concerns that certain businesses and charities would have towards embracing this positive change for all Americans.

That being the case, it has become obvious that we need to learn more about current social norms, mores and values before proceeding. With the goal of helping to make this transition easier for all involved, it would be a great public service if you would take a moment to answer the survey questions below.

1) Before dispensing any form of charity and/or assistance to "the needy," Catholic nuns should be allowed to:

 

A) Inquire if the recipient is a birth control "user"

B) Go through the recipient's purse looking for evidence of birth control use

C) Perform a full-body cavity search for evidence of birth control use

D) All of the above, as deemed necessary

 

 

2) Should someone requesting charity and/or assistance from a Catholic organization be found to be using birth control, that person should be:

 

A) Shamed

B) Denied assistance

C) Made to do ___ Hail Marys

D) All of the above, as deemed necessary

 

 

3) If a vegetarian business owner receives a job application from a non-vegetarian, the business owner should:

 

A) Treat their application the same as any other

B) Tear up their application while saying, "Yeah, right!"

C) Tell the applicant that you don't "hire murderers"

D) Picket the applicant's home

4) If a life-long Red Sox fan who owns a hotel is confronted with a guest who wishes to check in, and who is wearing a NY Yankees t-shirt, the hotel owner should:

A) Inform the guest that, due to a clerical error, you're "all booked up"
B) Proceed with the check in, but charge the guest double rates
C) Proceed with the check in after sending the maid up to disable the TV and hot water - then charge the guest double rates
D)  Point to the exit with a baseball bat while shouting, "You're out!"


5) If a Satan-worshiping waiter finds a Catholic nun seated at one of his tables, the waiter should:

A) Try to switch tables with another member of the wait staff
B) Take her order, then shout, "Hail, Lucifer!"
C) Greet her by saying "Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Linda Blair?"
D) No matter what she orders, give her a bill for $6.66


6) If a Catholic nun is confronted by a waiter who shouts "Hail, Lucifer!" at her, she should:

A) Pray for his eternal soul
B) Smile, and stiff him on the tip
C) Ask him if he's a birth control "user"
D) All of the above, as deemed necessary

 

Thank you for your time and input! Please send your completed survey to:

ACA Rollout Survey

c/o White House Dead Letter Office

     Washington DC

A TEENY, TINY SOLUTION TO A BIG, FAT PROBLEM

 

 

Good morning, 2014! And welcome to the first celebrity "feud" of the year! Yes, it seems that actor Jay Mohr recently made some rather insulting comments about Alyssa Milano's weight - comments he now says were meant to be jokes.

 

This follows fairly hot on the heels of Jennifer Lawrence - currently ranked as the most bankable star in movies, by the way - telling Elle magazine how she is seen in the movie industry: "In Hollywood, I'm obese. I'm considered a fat actress."

 



 

Now, never mind the absurdity of Jay Mohr, who looks like a potato with a receding hairline, commenting on anyone else's looks. And never mind the utter cluelessness of Hollywood executives who look at Jennifer Lawrence and see "fat" rather than their current number one box office draw. No, no, my friends. These men - and they are pretty much always men, aren't they? - feel perfectly within their rights to comment frequently and publicly on the looks of women.

 

This seemingly uncontrollable impulse doubtless springs from the deep (yet surprisingly shallow) well of Male Entitlement. As a man who actually loves and respects women, and as someone who knows the male of the species from the inside out, I would like to offer one possible solution to this problem. This one, as the saying goes, is for the ladies.

 

When these unfortunate events occur, I suggest giving as good as you get. Hit the guys where it hurts. For the most part, men aren't used to having their looks commented on. For the most part. That just means you have to hit the part that hurts the most.

 

Even a lower-tier celebrity undoubtedly has thousands of fans. So ladies, get those fans, and your friends and family, too, to make blog postings - like this one! - that include phrases like, "Jay Mohr tiny penis." Send out a tweet or two urging said fans to also Google phrases like, "Jay Mohr tiny penis," or "Jay Mohr impotent." Posting photos with those tags couldn't hurt. With thousands of people posting pictures tagged "Jay Mohr's tiny penis," and thousands of people doing online searches for "Jay Mohr tiny penis," I'm sure you can get those search results up where they belong in no time! If the men want to talk about how big women supposedly are, then why not respond by showing just how small those men really are?

 

Men may not care about a lot of things - like the feelings of women, for instance. They may not care if they're fat, or bald, or smelly, or fat and bald and smelly. They may not care if they're a drunk, or a generally lousy person. But trust me: Hit them a couple of times below the belt (if you know what I mean), and I think most men will feel the pain.

 

No pain, no gain, the saying goes. So if you're like me, and would like men to gain a little more sensitivity and insight, then don't be afraid to bring the pain.