Deep in the ----- of Texas!

"100 brains missing from University of Texas"

 

CBSNews.com December 2nd, 2014

 

And the punchline, or punchlines, write themselves. At least make us work a little for it, Texas!

 



Stop Yer Bitchin', Mitch AKA Terror Firmer

NBCNews.com - "Republicans to Obama: We Need Your Terror Strategy" –

Tuesday, September 9th, 2014

Republicans are calling for President Barack Obama to present a detailed strategy to Congress on how the U.S. plans to defeat Islamic militants in Iraq and Syria. "It's time for President Obama to exercise some leadership in launching a response," Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said on the Senate floor Tuesday.

　

New York Times - "Obama to Detail Plans on ‘Destroying’ ISIS" –

Tuesday, September 9th, 2014
 

President Obama will address the nation at 9 p.m. on Wednesday about how the United States plans to confront the threat from the Sunni extremist group, the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria. In the speech, Mr. Obama will lay out a strategy for "degrading and ultimately destroying the terrorist group," Josh Earnest, the White House press secretary, said in a statement.

The decision to schedule the address during prime time, from the state floor of the White House, underscores the gravity of the challenge from ISIS. It comes after an intense internal debate and diplomatic outreach to assemble a coalition to target ISIS.

 

The White House - Wednesday, September 10th, 9:02 p.m.
 

 

Good evening everyone. I'd like to thank you all for being here tonight. My fellow Americans, let me get right to the point. I’d like to begin tonight by addressing the concerns of Mitch McConnell and others in the Republican Party that I haven’t laid out a clear strategy for dealing with the threat posed by ISIS and other Islamic extremists. Now, obviously, both for myself personally, and for my administration, the highest priority is to find a way to deal with this problem once and for all. To say that we have done otherwise is not only factually incorrect, but also simply playing politics. Such petty political games are beneath us as a people, and have got to stop.

Speaking of things that are beneath us, and that have got to stop, my administration has a plan to attack this problem on multiple fronts, so that we might get the heads of the leaders of ISIS beneath our boots, and bring an end to this threat once and for all. Hopefully this will also bring an end to these false accusations of inaction that come from the Republican leadership.

Step one in our plan, addresses several issues at once – all of which are issues that the current Republican leadership has seen fit to ignore. Now, we all know, no one wants to see American troops deployed overseas. On the other hand, pretty much everyone wants to see some form of immigration reform passed. So, tomorrow, I will issue an Executive Order to immediately begin identifying and locating the hundreds of thousands of people who are in this country illegally. We will then provide these people with six weeks of basic training, after which they will be sent to Iraq and Syria to combat ISIS. Again, this will address several issues that are of deep concern to the American people, and do so in a way that is both timely and cost-efficient.

We will also be working closely with our allies in this struggle, and making it clear to all those involved that if you are not with us, then you are against us. No quarter will be given in our efforts to root out and eradicate this threat. Why? Because this is not just a threat to us, but is in fact, a threat to the entire free world. In speaking to the good people of the world, I want to make it clear that you are the water that will wash away all that has gone before. These infidel defilers of ISIS shall all drown in lakes of blood. Now they will know why they are afraid of the dark. Now they will learn why they fear the night. We trust that the wise leaders of the world will join us in bringing light to that dark night, with the flame of righteous justice. This flame will burn away the darkness, and burn you, the American people, the way to paradise.

Triumphing in this epic struggle will be the priority for my administration until the last ISIS leader is hung out as food for the crows, and as a warning to those who would do us harm. As I said before, no quarter will be given, no safe haven will be granted. Therefore, to show the unparalleled importance we will be giving to this, both myself and Vice President Biden will also be deployed to the to the frontlines of this battle. We will be armed only with a broadsword, and a good strong battle ax each. We intend to crush our enemies, to see them driven before us, and to hear the lamentations of their women.

In our absence, former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will be in charge of domestic affairs, and will serve as a backup should Joe and I not return from our mission of righteous vengeance.



Thank you again for being here tonight. May Crom bless you, and may Crom continue to bless the United States of America.

One Piece at a Time

RIDGEWOOD, NJ – Thomas Rica, the former public works inspector for a northern New Jersey town has admitted stealing $460,000 in quarters. Authorities said the thefts occurred over the course of 25 months. They say Rica, 43, was not authorized to be in the parking meter collection room, but would enter it and fill his pockets with money. They say he deposited the money – more than 1.8 million quarters – in his bank account. The purloined coins would have weighed a total of roughly 11.25 tons.

            Associated Press, March 19^th, 2014

Bergen County Sheriff’s Department Patrol Car 36: Come in, dispatch. This is unit 36, over.

Bergen County Sheriff’s Department Dispatch: This is dispatch, unit 36.

Patrol Car 36: Dispatch, could you please run a license plate for us. It’s a black 2013 Cadillac Escalade, New Jersey license number Z-L-R-Six-Nine-X.

Dispatch: Roger that, unit 36. Running the plate now.

Patrol Car 36: Thanks, dispatch. We’ve been following the Escalade for about two miles now on Route 17.

Dispatch: Unit 36, DMV records show the Escalade registered to a Thomas Rica. What is your situation, over?

Patrol Car 36: Well, dispatch, when we first noticed the Escalade it was going significantly slower than the posted speed limit, seemed to be weighted down.

Dispatch: Roger that, unit 36.

Patrol Car 36: When we got a little closer, dispatch, we noticed that the Escalade seemed to be leaking a steady flow of quarters onto the roadway. Uh, that’s created a little bit of a hazardous situation out here, and is, we think, a little suspicious as well. Over.

Dispatch: Stand by, unit 36. (Unintelligible.) Unit 36, command has requested you do a stop and search. Repeat, do a stop on the Escalade, over.

Patrol Car 36: Roger that, dispatch. Please stand by.
 

 

 

Daddy Worrybucks

“I would call attention to the parallels of fascist Nazi Germany to its war on its ‘one percent,’ namely its Jews to the progressive war on the American one percent, namely the ‘rich.’ This is a very dangerous drift in our thinking. Kristallnacht was unthinkable in 1930; is its descendent ‘progressive’ radicalism unthinkable now?”

Billionaire Silicon Valley investor Thomas Perkins

 

“…if you go back to 1933, with different words, this is what Hitler was saying in Germany. You don’t survive as a society if you encourage and thrive on envy and jealousy.”

Billionaire Home Depot co-founder Kenneth Langone

 

“It’s a war. It’s like when Hitler invaded Poland in 1939.”

Billionaire private equity mogul Steven Schwarzman

 

Well first of all, you’ll notice that I’m writing this anonymously. This is not a choice I made casually or lightly; it was the professional recommendation of all of my highly experienced and highly paid security staff. As one of the besieged billionaires you may have heard about recently, I have to put my safety, and the safety of my family, as well as the safety of my property and investments, first.

How did things come to this? How did I go from being a happy-go-lucky billionaire flitting from mansion to mansion to what I am now – a hunted and despised pariah skulking from mansion to mansion? It used to be seen as a good thing to have more money the all the residents of entire states lumped together. Now, if I look out the window of almost any of my penthouse apartments with my high-powered telescope, I might be able to see horrible, disgusting, vile and threatening graffiti like this:

 

No, I am not going to tell you what cities I own penthouses in. And in case you’re thinking of asking around, I’ve told the doorman to tell anyone who asks that I do not live there.

Oh, how nice it must be, to be snuggled in in your own…trailer or whatever, without a care in the world! No one is after you, no one is on your back, because of your wealth – because, obviously, you don’t have any. No wealth and no worries. At least that’s how I imagine it. That’s how it seems in some of those movies I’ve seen, too, about you common folk.

 

 

You don’t have to spend your days worrying that you might run into someone wearing a hat that, really, should be considered a hate crime. You don’t have to live in a world in which people are eating you by proxy for breakfast. I mean, who would produce a cereal like that? Who invested in that product? I certainly wouldn’t, not any more than I’d, than I’d…Well actually, I have people to handle my portfolio, and I trust their judgment.

 

 

Unfortunately, so many people out there obviously feel entitled to judge me, simply because I am rich enough to buy several small countries outright. This judgment, this endless persecution, I swear to you, it is worse than the Nazis in 1930, 1933 and 1939 combined. It is just that bad.

In fact, the stress and worry has gotten so bad recently that I’ve been forced to call all three of the senators I own, to share my concerns with them. I know they’re doing what they can, but at the end of the day, they’re not there when I’m simply trying to relax after a hard day of (REDACTED FOR SECURITY PURPOSES) and want to go to sleep. Sometimes it takes one of my personal masseuses two or three hours of deep rubbing just to get me to the point of dropping off. Sometimes I even have to call for help from one of my personal pharmacists. Even with all that help, there are still nights when I wake up in the dark, crying.

I guess when I was clawing and climbing my way to the top of the (REDACTED FOR SECURITY PURPOSES) industry, I never imagined that all my success would not be seen as a good thing by others. I’d heard that phrase, “It’s lonely at the top,” but never understood it until recently. You can add “scary” to that phrase, too, by the way. They also say that “No man is an island,” which didn’t stop me from buying an island. But even there, I …Sorry, I have to take this call.

So just remember, while I’m flying overhead and undercover in my private jet, that what I have in wealth and privilege and influence and security is more than equaled by the happiness I’m sure that you feel when you’re sharing some simple, salty fast food meal with your family. As I’m whisked from expensive event to exclusive party by my chauffeur (REDACTED FOR SECURITY PURPOSES) please know in your heart that I don’t experience anything near the comfort and warmth that I imagine you experience every time you bundle up your squalling kids and take them for a ride in your family’s down to earth…what, truck, or something?

Believe it or not, I envy you. The simple, little life you lead must be very…charming, I’m sure. But such is not to be for me, alas. Because I am rich. And you, you are very likely to be a Nazi hellbent on my destruction.

 

 

CCCP Attack (Update)

COURTESY OF UPDATE ON UKRAINE LIBERATION CELEBRATION FROM NOBLE SERVANT AND FRIEND OF THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE (LOYAL COMRADES OF RUSSIA) FROM STEADFAST AND UNAFRAID PRESIDENT OF GREAT NATION OF RUSSIA, VLADIMIR PUTIN, HONEST RUSSIAN HERO

 

What is that I hear? More whining baby cries from sob-sister Western Capitalist Imperialists over the brave and totally spontaneous desire of Ukrainian people for to be one with Mother Russia? Foolish little children! Why do you hate the most heartfelt desire of Ukrainian people so? Perhaps you do not understand long and warm relationship between people of Russia and Ukraine.

For to help explain to you this relationship, as well as Russian foreign policy approach, please to be watch the most instructional clip of news below from comrade Dzerzhinsky. This will explain Ukraine and all other things you need for to know about Russian diplomacy in world. Now, watch!

 

CPAC Attack!

Mitch McConnell Brandishes Gun at CPAC

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., came onto the stage at the Conservative Political Action Conference today brandishing a long gun. McConnell held the rifle over his head and the CPAC crowd loved it.

McConnell delivered a red meat speech to the conservative activists, pummeling President Obama and Democrats. “The president of the United States is treating our Constitution worse than a placemat at Denny’s,” McConnell said.

ABC News, March 6^th, 2014

 

 

 

Rubio Bats for the Bleachers in CPAC Speech

Senator Marco Rubio hit a home run with conservative activists today when he took to the stage at the Conservative Political Action Conference wielding a baseball bat. Admonishing the President for “settling for simply walking the American people,” Rubio, while repeatedly slamming his bat against the podium, promised to “hit a home run for the people of this great nation.”

Los Angeles Times, March 6^th, 2014

 

 

A Booming Voice and a Boomerang from Christie

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie made sure it wasn’t a “g’day” for a heckler who interrupted his speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference this evening. As Christie began his speech to polite applause, a man, later identified as Martin Crandall, stood up and shouted for the governor to come clean about his role in the so-called “Bridge Gate” scandal.

Without missing a beat, Christie whipped out a boomerang, tossed it over the crowd, and knocked Crandall cold with it. The crowd gave Christie a standing ovation. Crandall was not arrested, but was taken to a nearby hospital, where he was cited for disorderly conduct.

FOX News, March 6^th, 2014

 

 

Paul and Perry Grapple with the Issues – and Each Other

Today’s Conservative Political Action Conference put the emphasis on the word action, as two of their scheduled speakers wound up in what conference organizers later characterized as a “playful brawl.”

As Texas Governor Rick Perry was speaking, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul interrupted him with a shout of “Liar!” from the audience. Perry then reportedly invited Paul to “say it to my face, you Washington weasel.” Paul then leapt to his feet, took to the stage, and the two men exchanged some apparently heated words before Perry took a swing at Paul, knocking the junior senator to his knees. Conference organizers quickly moved in to separate the two men as the members of the audience clapped and chanted, “Fight! Fight!”

 New York Times, March 7^th, 2014

 

 

Huckawho? Mike Huckabee Plays to Half-Full House

The second day of the Conservative Political Action Conference came to a quiet close tonight, after two days of sound and fury making news around the world. Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee was the final speaker of the day, but he had trouble holding the crowd’s attention after the fire and brimstone – and weaponry – displayed by CPAC’s preceding speakers. When it became clear that Huckabee was going to speak, and nothing more, the audience started to drift out of the hall.

“Mike Huckabee is a decent, intelligent man,” said attendee Wayne Hunt from Orem, Utah. “But by god, he needs to learn to kick a little ass.”

 North Little Rock Times, March 7^th, 2014

 

 

Hottest Ticket in Town: Palin On Fire in CPAC Speech

Former Alaska Governor and GOP Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin brought a fiery finish to 2014’s Conservative Political Action Conference today, as she took to the stage with a tank of gasoline strapped to her back and a flamethrower in each hand. Members of the audience alternately cheered and ducked for cover as she shot blasts of flames out over the crowd.

Struggling to be heard over the cheering of the crowd, and the peal of multiple fire alarms, Palin began her speech by stating that she was “on fire with a deep, burning love for the American people.”

Palin’s speech followed one given by former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, who made his own memorable entrance by blowing a hole in the ceiling of the main hall at CPAC and parachuting onto the stage.

Washington Post, March 8^th, 2014

HONORABLE UPDATE OF FOLLOW-UP TO PREVIOUS IMPORTANT STATEMENT OF NEW LAW BY HEROIC YET HUMBLE PRIME MINISTER OF RUSSIA, DMITRY MEDVEDEV, AFTER HIS FURTHER CONSULTATION WITH WELL INFORMED PRESIDENT AND COMRADE TO THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE, VLADIMIR PUTIN, HONEST RUSSIAN HERO

I am here today to make correction to statement I make yesterday, concerning the adoption of wonderful, wonderful Russian orphans by people of province of Kansas. First: I am now informed that Kansas is not province, it is state. Second: Two-for-one orphan offer to people of Kansas is now cancelled and rescinded forever. I am told Kansas is part of United States, also known as homosexual Vatican, so, obviously, no genius-level Russian orphans for you, United States - and now especially to dishonorable people of Kansas.

 

This turns of events shows just how clever homosexual movement is. United States is home to many, many places of homosexual weddingness. So some, like despicable villains of Kansas, pretend to oppose homosexual agenda for to trick world and acquire desirable objects like preternaturally talented Russian orphans. This desperate measures only shows how much on guard fine and upstanding Russian orphan brokers must be in ongoing battle with leather-wearing homosexual misfits. Our many, many beautiful Russian orphans are too valuable joy to world to let fall into wrong hands.

 

So, to repeat: No certified Russian prodigy orphans for Kansas. No adorable Russian orphans for United States. Orphans, be glad Mother Russia is watching out for you, yes? I am apologize for any misstatements I make yesterday. Any and all mistakes I make were mine alone, and in no way connected to the brilliant and inspiring leadership of our great comrade, President Vladimir Putin. Furthermore, if my mistake has brought any of shame and disgrace to honorable President Putin, I offer most sincere and humble apology.



STRICTLY INDEPENDENT AND BRAVE  DMITRY MEDVEDEV, PRIME MINISTER OF GREAT STATE OF RUSSIA, SPEAKS ON HALTING HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA THROUGH COURTESY OF CLOSE FRIEND AND GREAT LEADER VLADIMIR PUTIN, A REAL RUSSIAN HERO



I have been asked to speak to explain to world great new Russian law to prevent noble Russian orphans from falling into hands of depraved homosexuals.

First, we have no hatred for pitiful homosexuals. We just have enormous Russia-sized love for amazing Russian orphans. If anyone finds something wrong with that, they must be deranged homosexual.

Second, though we have no hatred for incorrigible homosexuals, clearly they bear some watching, yes? So now we have smart and modern Russian law for to deal with issue. No problem.

No more will we allow honored Russian orphans to find warm home in countries of open or latent homosexuals. If this is only choice for fine, upstanding Russian orphans, is better they live in Russian state hovels. Clearly hovel is better than homosexual, yes?

New law provides many, many protections for outstanding Russian orphans, to keep them from hands of predatory, home-providing homosexuals. No doubt many orphans will thank great state of Russia for this when they become totally non-homosexual adults. Under protection of grand new Russian law, there will be many ways provided to detect and terminate adoption attempts by decadent foreign homosexuals.

First, well-trained and clever Russian adoption detectives will screen all foreign applicants up to and including in great detail. Clever psychological questionnaire will reveal many homosexuals. "Do you like show tunes?" "Do you own Elton John CD?" Ha ha! Homosexuals will answer yes to questions, and then it will be goodbye, homosexuals! Maybe you can adopt Kazak orphan, yes?

Women homosexuals will also be uncovered and eliminated from adopting precious Russian orphans. Old joke asks, what does lesbian bring on second date? Answer is moving van. So now, before woman can adopt incredible Russian orphan, we will check with all moving van businesses for last ten, maybe fifteen, years. We have ways to do this, believe me. If moving van show up on record, goodbye female homosexuals! Nice try! But no remarkable Russian orphan for you today! Why don't you have child of your own, anyway? Are you barren? Oh no, you are homosexual lesbian. No man wants you. So naturally you want high quality Russian orphan for - 

*** *** BREAKING NEWS *** *** BREAKING NEWS *** *** BREAKING NEWS *** ***

(CNN) Denying services to same-sex couples may soon become legal in Kansas. House Bill 2453 explicitly protects religious individuals, groups and businesses that refuse services to same-sex couples...

After quick conference with comrade and real Russian hero, President Vladimir Putin, I am happy to announce special two-for-one orphan offer to citizens in great province of Kansas. Clearly people of Kansas must be wise and informed comrades to make such laws! And such peoples as these are most deserving of receive handsome and talented Russian orphans. Two-for-one special now. We have plenty orphans, people of Kansas, so no waiting! And, of course, no homosexuals.



WEDDING INSURANCE

 

Worried about the groom getting cold feet? There's an insurance policy for that.

With the cost of the average American wedding reaching about $26,000, insurers have been selling a growing number of policies to protect against losses from extreme weather, illness and, in one firm's case, even a sudden change of heart.

Cheryl Winter spent $500 for Hartford-based Travelers Cos. Inc. to cover her daughter's $50,000 destination wedding last October in New Orleans, where her biggest concern was a potential hurricane.

                                                                                    AP – Jan. 21^st, 2014

 

In the spirit of adventure that Barney and I believe infuses our relationship, we have decided to make our wedding not just special, not just memorable, but potentially extremely hazardous! Helmets will be provided, but you’ll have to bring your own unbreakable spirit with you! (As well as a signed and notarized liability waiver. See attachment “A”.)

Your part in our blessed commitment adventure will begin with a sure-to-memorable 22-hour flight to the tiny-but-proud country of Gorslava! (Well, technically you’ll have to fly into neighboring Perishistan, since the recent civil wars have really been hard on the airport in Gorslava.) Your flight will be followed by a scenic 13-hour bus ride, which will give you plenty of time to drink in the awesome, windswept Gorslavian tundra. It’s sure to be a breathtaking ride, especially since you’ll be slowly-but-surely climbing to an elevation of 10,000 feet! Wow! (Oxygen tanks will be available, for a nominal fee, on the bus, on a first-come, first-served basis.)

Once all our guests are settled in “Base Camp Becky” (Awww! Barney named it. Isn’t that sweet?), you’re invited to join us in participating in a sacred fire-walking ritual. Please note: In order not to offend either our Gorslavian hosts or their (apparently cranky) local deity, all wedding guests will be strongly urged to join in. No special footwear is required. Generous supplies of a local, millet-based alcoholic beverage will be provided to those who make it across the coals.

Then, the next morning, let’s get those toasty toes up early and set out on our hike up imposing Mount Khhaching! By nightfall we should make it to the quaint and picturesque village of Pho-Dhun, located somewhere around 13,000 feet up Mount Khhaching. (You won’t believe how fresh the air will smell!) Pho-Dhun is renowned for the intricate wool bibs the locals weave, as well as for its “Drink of the Heavens,” a mild hallucinogen called Krrrygst – generous supplies of which will be made available to all members of the wedding party.

The next day, to symbolize the glorious Circle of Life that Barney and I both believe in, having brought our guests up the mountain, we will bring them down again. Yes, after a refreshing night spent in the huts of Pho-Dhun, our wedding party will glide back down to the valley below. Or should I say hang-glide down into the magnificent KraK-Ow Valley below! For any shutterbugs attending, this would be the time to get those cameras out!

Once everyone has landed, reassembled, and received any medical attention they need, we’ll be off on a thrilling two-day yak ride to the Temple of the Flying, Angry, Fiery Serpent (don’t you just love those names?), a sacred spot to many Gorslavian mystics. When everyone has arrived at the Temple, a great feast will be laid out for us! Featuring local delicacies like yellow lichen stew, and a yak butter wedding cake, this is sure to be a meal to remember!

After the feast, and before the local fermented moss alcohol is brought out, it will be time for our actual wedding ceremony! The ceremony will – we hope – be performed by a local Holy Man. (We can’t go into any more details right now. See previous comment about Mr. Cranky Pants deity.)

Finally, in a spirit of communion and eternal remembrance, all our guests will receive a full-color Fiery Serpent mandala tattoo from a monk they call “Poison Pen.” How’s that for a keepsake, huh?

Both Barney and I really, really hope that you’ll be able to join us on this once-in-a-lifetime destination wedding. (We’d also be super-tickled if you were able to help contribute towards our wedding insurance – you wouldn’t believe how much it costs!) Sensible shoes are strongly suggested. Please ask your doctor about the (seven) required inoculations. Oh, and the locals are really, really sensitive about their deity, in case I didn’t make that clear already. (Barney wanted me to mention it one more time.)

Anyway, we’ll see you in Gorslava!

 

MODEST PRESIDENT AND FELLOW ATHLETE VLADIMIR PUTIN’S OFFICIAL RETRO-STYLE WELCOME TO VISITING TO RUSSIA OLYMPIC ATHLETES COMPETITORS

On this, the eve of the most wonderful and famous Sochi Olympics, I would like to extend a warm and heartfelt greeting to our soon to be visiting athletes. I trust you will find your visit to the great and noble country of Russia to be one of the most thrilling events of your life. Olympics will be something, too.

 

In order to help make your illustrious trip here so much more enjoyable, I offer a few words of advice for those who are unfamiliar with our proud and traditional culture. There is a great Russian saying: The rough road becomes smooth once you smash down the bumps. With my comments here today, I hope to smooth that road for our most honored visitors.

 

First, though I find the idea of homosexual athletes ridiculous, let me say this to any homosexual athletes, probably American, who are attending Sochi games: You are welcome, but your lifestyle ways are not. You may strive on the field of contesting, but please, leave children in peace.

 

Speaking now to any Negro American athletes who may be attending Sochi games, I say welcome! But please know that in Russia it is crime to steal chickens. Okay? If any homosexual American Negro athletes are coming, welcome – but please leave chickens and children in peace.

 

To our friends and athletes from African nations, I say welcome! You are treasured visitors here. And, unlike in your countries, we do not boil and eat visitors in noble Russia. So welcome, and enjoy the experience of living in civilized country for a few days.

 

To our friends and contestants from the land of South America, I also extend a warm welcome. But I tell you this: In Russia, we do not want your cocaine, and we do want keep our televisions. And we will count our televisions before grand Sochi games visitors have left, just so you know. So called “TV dash” may be athletic event in your country, but is not in Russia.

 

On related note to our Muslim friends coming to Sochi games, let me make it clear: Bomb throw may be big athletic event in your heathen culture, but not in Russian culture. If you want blow something up, please to do it on your own soil, not on proud, rich earth of Mother Russia.

 

As for our friends coming from the land down under, Australia, I say to you welcome! Though you are all spawn of drunken criminals, please know that we will not judge you for this here in glorious Russia. We will absolutely watch you, yes, keep an eye on you, for sure. But we will not judge you. Your money is just as good as anyone else’s at the hotel bar, yes?

 

Speaking of which, to our visitors from Ireland – welcome! I know you will learn to love fine Russian potato vodka. Just try not to drink too much before Sochi games begin, yes? Ha ha! Of course you will drink too much! Potato vodka is delicious and irresistible!

 

To our most esteemed Arab friends who are coming to Russia, let me say welcome, welcome, welcome! Though I don’t know how you can hope to compete while wearing ridiculous, flowing robes, welcome nonetheless. Please be advised: Though we value and respect your great wealth here in Russia, our customs dictate a man may only have one bride at a time. Our glorious Russian beauties are to be admired, yes, but they cannot be bought for to take home as wives. Sorry! I feel your heartbreak, really!

 

If we have any guests coming from nation of Haiti, I say to you, welcome. Is important to note, however, that voodoo is illegal in Russia. Russian citizens have already been warned that requests for pieces of cloth or clippings of hair for “souvenirs” are lies. To repeat: No voodoo. But welcome!

 

To our war-mongering friends from the country of Germany – welcome. I am so happy to think of your dreams of glory once again floundering on rich Russian soil. Welcome! Ha ha!

A special warm greeting to our visitors from Japan. Though you are tiny nation, and tiny people, I offer you a big, Russian welcome! Please enjoy stay in Russia, and maybe, when Sochi games are done, you will stay for longer visit to help Russian school children with homework, yes?

 

As for all you lady athletes coming to large, strong land of Russia, I wish to extend a warm and personal welcome. Should any of you have problems with drunken Irishmen or groping Arabs, I wish you to let me know personally. Such things will not be tolerated in Russia. I will have Kremlin staff give lady athletes my direct number, okay? Call me, day or night. I am always ready, you know what I mean?

 

So, let the games begin! Welcome! In the spirit of honorable competition I say welcome! You are welcome visitors, and will be treated with respect. All I request is that our traditions and culture also be treated with respect.

JUST HOW STUPID IS DENNIS RODMAN?

 

Announcer: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to tonight’s episode of Just How Stupid Is Dennis Rodman? And now, here’s your host, Chuck Palmer! (Applause.)
 

Chuck: Hello, hello! Good evening, and welcome to Just How Stupid Is Dennis Rodman? We’re glad you could join us tonight! We’ve got three new contestants with us, just raring to get going. A hearty welcome to them as well. (Applause.)
 

As you know, our show works like this: We field three contestants, and ask them a series of questions relating to Dennis Rodman’s knowledge of the world. The goal is not to give the correct answer, per se, but rather, to give the answer that Dennis Rodman would give.
 

And how do we know what answer Dennis Rodman would give? Well, we’ve asked him all these same questions ahead of time, so the answers are, at least in the view of Dennis Rodman, accurate representations of the facts in question. Of course, sometimes he does accidently get something actually, factually correct, so players, stay on your toes, alright? (Laughter.) Alright! Now, let’s get started, shall we?
 

First, let’s meet tonight’s contestants. (Applause.) Up first, is Chelsea Slowden, she’s nineteen, and an unemployed single mother of three from Bittercreek, Alabama. Welcome, Chelsea! (Applause.) Next, meet Lionel Frobbush. Lionel is fifty-four, has never been married, and still lives with his mother in beautiful, scenic Bleak Falls, Minnesota. (Applause.) And finally, please say hello to Desmond Gibbons, who is just five years old. (Applause.) Desmond, I’m guessing that you still live with your mother, too – am I right? (Laughter.)
 

Alright contestants, let’s begin, shall we? Tonight’s first question falls under the heading of world history. Are you ready? Our first question: Who won World War II? Was it: A) The United States and their European allies. B) Germany and Japan. C) The Earthlings. Or D) The Martians.
 

Chelsea: I’m gonna go with B, Chuck.
 

Lionel: Most interesting, Chuck. But, from a Rodman perspective, I would concur with Chelsea that B seems the most promising answer.

Desmond: Ima thay A, Thuck.

Chuck: Oh, I’m so sorry contestants. This was a tricky one. But the correct incorrect answer was actually C. Dennis Rodman answered that “The Earthlings” won World War II. And Desmond, I’ll just caution you to be wary of giving the actual, factual correct answer too often. This is Dennis Rodman we’re talking about, after all. (Laughter.)

Desmond: Thorry, Thuck.

Chuck: Okay, moving on to the next question. This from the category of world affairs. This small Asian nation is known for, among other things, having an economy based on gross domestic happiness. Are we talking about: A) Vietnam. B) Bhutan. C) Chinatown. Or D) North Korea. Contestants, what will it be? Chelsea?

Chelsea: Gotta go with D, Chuck.

Lionel: Well, Chuck, I feel the need to point out that “Chinatown” is not a nation.

Chuck: Lionel, I know that, and you know that. But the question is, does Dennis Rodman know that? (Laughter.) Your answer, please.

Lionel: D, Chuck.

Desmond: Me thay D, Thuck.

Chuck: Now that’s more like it! (Applause.) Of course, the correct incorrect answer is D, North Korea, with the actual correct correct answer being B, Bhutan. But boy, you know, given the sad state of the North Korean economy, maybe theirs is based on gross domestic unhappiness, am I right? (Laughter and applause.) Anyway, congratulations, contestants! (Applause.)

Now, we have time for one more question before we have to take a commercial break. Contestants, please listen carefully. This is another from the category of world history. This elite unit of warriors first came officially into being sometime around the year 1120, and were known, among other things, for their distinctive emblem, a large, red cross.

Am I talking about: A) The Red Cross. B) The Chicago Bulls. C) The Knights Templar. Or D) The Rolling Stones. Alright, contestants, what are your answers?

Chelsea: Uh, the Red Cross?

Lionel: Given his personal history and utter lack of historical knowledge, Chuck, I’ll go with B, the Chicago Bulls.

Desmond: I’ll thay C, Thuck.
 

Chuck: We have a new leader, folks! (Applause.) Congratulations, Lionel! The correct incorrect answer was indeed B, the Chicago Bulls, who, as any fool can tell you, did not actually exist until quite a few years after 1120. (Laughter.) Sorry, Chelsea. And Desmond, let me caution you again, young man, about giving too many actual, factual answers. Remember, you’re playing Just How stupid Is Dennis Rodman? (Laughter.) Facts don’t necessarily matter! Am I right? (Laughter and applause.) And we’ll be right back after these messages!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FAT BOY!

 

Kim Jong-Un:

 Making North Korea despot to be for doughy dictators.



          Due to an unexpectedly high volume of concerns during the rollout of portions of the Affordable Care Act, we are seeking additional public feedback before continuing with implementing the ACA. Despite our best efforts, it seems that we may have been unaware of some sensitivities and concerns that certain businesses and charities would have towards embracing this positive change for all Americans.

That being the case, it has become obvious that we need to learn more about current social norms, mores and values before proceeding. With the goal of helping to make this transition easier for all involved, it would be a great public service if you would take a moment to answer the survey questions below.

1) Before dispensing any form of charity and/or assistance to "the needy," Catholic nuns should be allowed to:

 

A) Inquire if the recipient is a birth control "user"

B) Go through the recipient's purse looking for evidence of birth control use

C) Perform a full-body cavity search for evidence of birth control use

D) All of the above, as deemed necessary

 

 

2) Should someone requesting charity and/or assistance from a Catholic organization be found to be using birth control, that person should be:

 

A) Shamed

B) Denied assistance

C) Made to do ___ Hail Marys

D) All of the above, as deemed necessary

 

 

3) If a vegetarian business owner receives a job application from a non-vegetarian, the business owner should:

 

A) Treat their application the same as any other

B) Tear up their application while saying, "Yeah, right!"

C) Tell the applicant that you don't "hire murderers"

D) Picket the applicant's home

4) If a life-long Red Sox fan who owns a hotel is confronted with a guest who wishes to check in, and who is wearing a NY Yankees t-shirt, the hotel owner should:

A) Inform the guest that, due to a clerical error, you're "all booked up"
B) Proceed with the check in, but charge the guest double rates
C) Proceed with the check in after sending the maid up to disable the TV and hot water - then charge the guest double rates
D)  Point to the exit with a baseball bat while shouting, "You're out!"


5) If a Satan-worshiping waiter finds a Catholic nun seated at one of his tables, the waiter should:

A) Try to switch tables with another member of the wait staff
B) Take her order, then shout, "Hail, Lucifer!"
C) Greet her by saying "Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Linda Blair?"
D) No matter what she orders, give her a bill for $6.66


6) If a Catholic nun is confronted by a waiter who shouts "Hail, Lucifer!" at her, she should:

A) Pray for his eternal soul
B) Smile, and stiff him on the tip
C) Ask him if he's a birth control "user"
D) All of the above, as deemed necessary

 

Thank you for your time and input! Please send your completed survey to:

ACA Rollout Survey

c/o White House Dead Letter Office

     Washington DC