Daddy Worrybucks

“I would call attention to the parallels of fascist Nazi Germany to its war on its ‘one percent,’ namely its Jews to the progressive war on the American one percent, namely the ‘rich.’ This is a very dangerous drift in our thinking. Kristallnacht was unthinkable in 1930; is its descendent ‘progressive’ radicalism unthinkable now?”

Billionaire Silicon Valley investor Thomas Perkins

 

“…if you go back to 1933, with different words, this is what Hitler was saying in Germany. You don’t survive as a society if you encourage and thrive on envy and jealousy.”

Billionaire Home Depot co-founder Kenneth Langone

 

“It’s a war. It’s like when Hitler invaded Poland in 1939.”

Billionaire private equity mogul Steven Schwarzman

 

Well first of all, you’ll notice that I’m writing this anonymously. This is not a choice I made casually or lightly; it was the professional recommendation of all of my highly experienced and highly paid security staff. As one of the besieged billionaires you may have heard about recently, I have to put my safety, and the safety of my family, as well as the safety of my property and investments, first.

How did things come to this? How did I go from being a happy-go-lucky billionaire flitting from mansion to mansion to what I am now – a hunted and despised pariah skulking from mansion to mansion? It used to be seen as a good thing to have more money the all the residents of entire states lumped together. Now, if I look out the window of almost any of my penthouse apartments with my high-powered telescope, I might be able to see horrible, disgusting, vile and threatening graffiti like this:

 

No, I am not going to tell you what cities I own penthouses in. And in case you’re thinking of asking around, I’ve told the doorman to tell anyone who asks that I do not live there.

Oh, how nice it must be, to be snuggled in in your own…trailer or whatever, without a care in the world! No one is after you, no one is on your back, because of your wealth – because, obviously, you don’t have any. No wealth and no worries. At least that’s how I imagine it. That’s how it seems in some of those movies I’ve seen, too, about you common folk.

 

 

You don’t have to spend your days worrying that you might run into someone wearing a hat that, really, should be considered a hate crime. You don’t have to live in a world in which people are eating you by proxy for breakfast. I mean, who would produce a cereal like that? Who invested in that product? I certainly wouldn’t, not any more than I’d, than I’d…Well actually, I have people to handle my portfolio, and I trust their judgment.

 

 

Unfortunately, so many people out there obviously feel entitled to judge me, simply because I am rich enough to buy several small countries outright. This judgment, this endless persecution, I swear to you, it is worse than the Nazis in 1930, 1933 and 1939 combined. It is just that bad.

In fact, the stress and worry has gotten so bad recently that I’ve been forced to call all three of the senators I own, to share my concerns with them. I know they’re doing what they can, but at the end of the day, they’re not there when I’m simply trying to relax after a hard day of (REDACTED FOR SECURITY PURPOSES) and want to go to sleep. Sometimes it takes one of my personal masseuses two or three hours of deep rubbing just to get me to the point of dropping off. Sometimes I even have to call for help from one of my personal pharmacists. Even with all that help, there are still nights when I wake up in the dark, crying.

I guess when I was clawing and climbing my way to the top of the (REDACTED FOR SECURITY PURPOSES) industry, I never imagined that all my success would not be seen as a good thing by others. I’d heard that phrase, “It’s lonely at the top,” but never understood it until recently. You can add “scary” to that phrase, too, by the way. They also say that “No man is an island,” which didn’t stop me from buying an island. But even there, I …Sorry, I have to take this call.

So just remember, while I’m flying overhead and undercover in my private jet, that what I have in wealth and privilege and influence and security is more than equaled by the happiness I’m sure that you feel when you’re sharing some simple, salty fast food meal with your family. As I’m whisked from expensive event to exclusive party by my chauffeur (REDACTED FOR SECURITY PURPOSES) please know in your heart that I don’t experience anything near the comfort and warmth that I imagine you experience every time you bundle up your squalling kids and take them for a ride in your family’s down to earth…what, truck, or something?

Believe it or not, I envy you. The simple, little life you lead must be very…charming, I’m sure. But such is not to be for me, alas. Because I am rich. And you, you are very likely to be a Nazi hellbent on my destruction.