CPAC Attack!

Mitch McConnell Brandishes Gun at CPAC

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., came onto the stage at the Conservative Political Action Conference today brandishing a long gun. McConnell held the rifle over his head and the CPAC crowd loved it.

McConnell delivered a red meat speech to the conservative activists, pummeling President Obama and Democrats. “The president of the United States is treating our Constitution worse than a placemat at Denny’s,” McConnell said.

ABC News, March 6^th, 2014

 

 

 

Rubio Bats for the Bleachers in CPAC Speech

Senator Marco Rubio hit a home run with conservative activists today when he took to the stage at the Conservative Political Action Conference wielding a baseball bat. Admonishing the President for “settling for simply walking the American people,” Rubio, while repeatedly slamming his bat against the podium, promised to “hit a home run for the people of this great nation.”

Los Angeles Times, March 6^th, 2014

 

 

A Booming Voice and a Boomerang from Christie

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie made sure it wasn’t a “g’day” for a heckler who interrupted his speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference this evening. As Christie began his speech to polite applause, a man, later identified as Martin Crandall, stood up and shouted for the governor to come clean about his role in the so-called “Bridge Gate” scandal.

Without missing a beat, Christie whipped out a boomerang, tossed it over the crowd, and knocked Crandall cold with it. The crowd gave Christie a standing ovation. Crandall was not arrested, but was taken to a nearby hospital, where he was cited for disorderly conduct.

FOX News, March 6^th, 2014

 

 

Paul and Perry Grapple with the Issues – and Each Other

Today’s Conservative Political Action Conference put the emphasis on the word action, as two of their scheduled speakers wound up in what conference organizers later characterized as a “playful brawl.”

As Texas Governor Rick Perry was speaking, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul interrupted him with a shout of “Liar!” from the audience. Perry then reportedly invited Paul to “say it to my face, you Washington weasel.” Paul then leapt to his feet, took to the stage, and the two men exchanged some apparently heated words before Perry took a swing at Paul, knocking the junior senator to his knees. Conference organizers quickly moved in to separate the two men as the members of the audience clapped and chanted, “Fight! Fight!”

 New York Times, March 7^th, 2014

 

 

Huckawho? Mike Huckabee Plays to Half-Full House

The second day of the Conservative Political Action Conference came to a quiet close tonight, after two days of sound and fury making news around the world. Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee was the final speaker of the day, but he had trouble holding the crowd’s attention after the fire and brimstone – and weaponry – displayed by CPAC’s preceding speakers. When it became clear that Huckabee was going to speak, and nothing more, the audience started to drift out of the hall.

“Mike Huckabee is a decent, intelligent man,” said attendee Wayne Hunt from Orem, Utah. “But by god, he needs to learn to kick a little ass.”

 North Little Rock Times, March 7^th, 2014

 

 

Hottest Ticket in Town: Palin On Fire in CPAC Speech

Former Alaska Governor and GOP Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin brought a fiery finish to 2014’s Conservative Political Action Conference today, as she took to the stage with a tank of gasoline strapped to her back and a flamethrower in each hand. Members of the audience alternately cheered and ducked for cover as she shot blasts of flames out over the crowd.

Struggling to be heard over the cheering of the crowd, and the peal of multiple fire alarms, Palin began her speech by stating that she was “on fire with a deep, burning love for the American people.”

Palin’s speech followed one given by former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, who made his own memorable entrance by blowing a hole in the ceiling of the main hall at CPAC and parachuting onto the stage.

Washington Post, March 8^th, 2014

HONORABLE UPDATE OF FOLLOW-UP TO PREVIOUS IMPORTANT STATEMENT OF NEW LAW BY HEROIC YET HUMBLE PRIME MINISTER OF RUSSIA, DMITRY MEDVEDEV, AFTER HIS FURTHER CONSULTATION WITH WELL INFORMED PRESIDENT AND COMRADE TO THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE, VLADIMIR PUTIN, HONEST RUSSIAN HERO

I am here today to make correction to statement I make yesterday, concerning the adoption of wonderful, wonderful Russian orphans by people of province of Kansas. First: I am now informed that Kansas is not province, it is state. Second: Two-for-one orphan offer to people of Kansas is now cancelled and rescinded forever. I am told Kansas is part of United States, also known as homosexual Vatican, so, obviously, no genius-level Russian orphans for you, United States - and now especially to dishonorable people of Kansas.

 

This turns of events shows just how clever homosexual movement is. United States is home to many, many places of homosexual weddingness. So some, like despicable villains of Kansas, pretend to oppose homosexual agenda for to trick world and acquire desirable objects like preternaturally talented Russian orphans. This desperate measures only shows how much on guard fine and upstanding Russian orphan brokers must be in ongoing battle with leather-wearing homosexual misfits. Our many, many beautiful Russian orphans are too valuable joy to world to let fall into wrong hands.

 

So, to repeat: No certified Russian prodigy orphans for Kansas. No adorable Russian orphans for United States. Orphans, be glad Mother Russia is watching out for you, yes? I am apologize for any misstatements I make yesterday. Any and all mistakes I make were mine alone, and in no way connected to the brilliant and inspiring leadership of our great comrade, President Vladimir Putin. Furthermore, if my mistake has brought any of shame and disgrace to honorable President Putin, I offer most sincere and humble apology.



STRICTLY INDEPENDENT AND BRAVE  DMITRY MEDVEDEV, PRIME MINISTER OF GREAT STATE OF RUSSIA, SPEAKS ON HALTING HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA THROUGH COURTESY OF CLOSE FRIEND AND GREAT LEADER VLADIMIR PUTIN, A REAL RUSSIAN HERO



I have been asked to speak to explain to world great new Russian law to prevent noble Russian orphans from falling into hands of depraved homosexuals.

First, we have no hatred for pitiful homosexuals. We just have enormous Russia-sized love for amazing Russian orphans. If anyone finds something wrong with that, they must be deranged homosexual.

Second, though we have no hatred for incorrigible homosexuals, clearly they bear some watching, yes? So now we have smart and modern Russian law for to deal with issue. No problem.

No more will we allow honored Russian orphans to find warm home in countries of open or latent homosexuals. If this is only choice for fine, upstanding Russian orphans, is better they live in Russian state hovels. Clearly hovel is better than homosexual, yes?

New law provides many, many protections for outstanding Russian orphans, to keep them from hands of predatory, home-providing homosexuals. No doubt many orphans will thank great state of Russia for this when they become totally non-homosexual adults. Under protection of grand new Russian law, there will be many ways provided to detect and terminate adoption attempts by decadent foreign homosexuals.

First, well-trained and clever Russian adoption detectives will screen all foreign applicants up to and including in great detail. Clever psychological questionnaire will reveal many homosexuals. "Do you like show tunes?" "Do you own Elton John CD?" Ha ha! Homosexuals will answer yes to questions, and then it will be goodbye, homosexuals! Maybe you can adopt Kazak orphan, yes?

Women homosexuals will also be uncovered and eliminated from adopting precious Russian orphans. Old joke asks, what does lesbian bring on second date? Answer is moving van. So now, before woman can adopt incredible Russian orphan, we will check with all moving van businesses for last ten, maybe fifteen, years. We have ways to do this, believe me. If moving van show up on record, goodbye female homosexuals! Nice try! But no remarkable Russian orphan for you today! Why don't you have child of your own, anyway? Are you barren? Oh no, you are homosexual lesbian. No man wants you. So naturally you want high quality Russian orphan for - 

*** *** BREAKING NEWS *** *** BREAKING NEWS *** *** BREAKING NEWS *** ***

(CNN) Denying services to same-sex couples may soon become legal in Kansas. House Bill 2453 explicitly protects religious individuals, groups and businesses that refuse services to same-sex couples...

After quick conference with comrade and real Russian hero, President Vladimir Putin, I am happy to announce special two-for-one orphan offer to citizens in great province of Kansas. Clearly people of Kansas must be wise and informed comrades to make such laws! And such peoples as these are most deserving of receive handsome and talented Russian orphans. Two-for-one special now. We have plenty orphans, people of Kansas, so no waiting! And, of course, no homosexuals.



WEDDING INSURANCE

 

Worried about the groom getting cold feet? There's an insurance policy for that.

With the cost of the average American wedding reaching about $26,000, insurers have been selling a growing number of policies to protect against losses from extreme weather, illness and, in one firm's case, even a sudden change of heart.

Cheryl Winter spent $500 for Hartford-based Travelers Cos. Inc. to cover her daughter's $50,000 destination wedding last October in New Orleans, where her biggest concern was a potential hurricane.

                                                                                    AP – Jan. 21^st, 2014

 

In the spirit of adventure that Barney and I believe infuses our relationship, we have decided to make our wedding not just special, not just memorable, but potentially extremely hazardous! Helmets will be provided, but you’ll have to bring your own unbreakable spirit with you! (As well as a signed and notarized liability waiver. See attachment “A”.)

Your part in our blessed commitment adventure will begin with a sure-to-memorable 22-hour flight to the tiny-but-proud country of Gorslava! (Well, technically you’ll have to fly into neighboring Perishistan, since the recent civil wars have really been hard on the airport in Gorslava.) Your flight will be followed by a scenic 13-hour bus ride, which will give you plenty of time to drink in the awesome, windswept Gorslavian tundra. It’s sure to be a breathtaking ride, especially since you’ll be slowly-but-surely climbing to an elevation of 10,000 feet! Wow! (Oxygen tanks will be available, for a nominal fee, on the bus, on a first-come, first-served basis.)

Once all our guests are settled in “Base Camp Becky” (Awww! Barney named it. Isn’t that sweet?), you’re invited to join us in participating in a sacred fire-walking ritual. Please note: In order not to offend either our Gorslavian hosts or their (apparently cranky) local deity, all wedding guests will be strongly urged to join in. No special footwear is required. Generous supplies of a local, millet-based alcoholic beverage will be provided to those who make it across the coals.

Then, the next morning, let’s get those toasty toes up early and set out on our hike up imposing Mount Khhaching! By nightfall we should make it to the quaint and picturesque village of Pho-Dhun, located somewhere around 13,000 feet up Mount Khhaching. (You won’t believe how fresh the air will smell!) Pho-Dhun is renowned for the intricate wool bibs the locals weave, as well as for its “Drink of the Heavens,” a mild hallucinogen called Krrrygst – generous supplies of which will be made available to all members of the wedding party.

The next day, to symbolize the glorious Circle of Life that Barney and I both believe in, having brought our guests up the mountain, we will bring them down again. Yes, after a refreshing night spent in the huts of Pho-Dhun, our wedding party will glide back down to the valley below. Or should I say hang-glide down into the magnificent KraK-Ow Valley below! For any shutterbugs attending, this would be the time to get those cameras out!

Once everyone has landed, reassembled, and received any medical attention they need, we’ll be off on a thrilling two-day yak ride to the Temple of the Flying, Angry, Fiery Serpent (don’t you just love those names?), a sacred spot to many Gorslavian mystics. When everyone has arrived at the Temple, a great feast will be laid out for us! Featuring local delicacies like yellow lichen stew, and a yak butter wedding cake, this is sure to be a meal to remember!

After the feast, and before the local fermented moss alcohol is brought out, it will be time for our actual wedding ceremony! The ceremony will – we hope – be performed by a local Holy Man. (We can’t go into any more details right now. See previous comment about Mr. Cranky Pants deity.)

Finally, in a spirit of communion and eternal remembrance, all our guests will receive a full-color Fiery Serpent mandala tattoo from a monk they call “Poison Pen.” How’s that for a keepsake, huh?

Both Barney and I really, really hope that you’ll be able to join us on this once-in-a-lifetime destination wedding. (We’d also be super-tickled if you were able to help contribute towards our wedding insurance – you wouldn’t believe how much it costs!) Sensible shoes are strongly suggested. Please ask your doctor about the (seven) required inoculations. Oh, and the locals are really, really sensitive about their deity, in case I didn’t make that clear already. (Barney wanted me to mention it one more time.)

Anyway, we’ll see you in Gorslava!

 

MODEST PRESIDENT AND FELLOW ATHLETE VLADIMIR PUTIN’S OFFICIAL RETRO-STYLE WELCOME TO VISITING TO RUSSIA OLYMPIC ATHLETES COMPETITORS

On this, the eve of the most wonderful and famous Sochi Olympics, I would like to extend a warm and heartfelt greeting to our soon to be visiting athletes. I trust you will find your visit to the great and noble country of Russia to be one of the most thrilling events of your life. Olympics will be something, too.

 

In order to help make your illustrious trip here so much more enjoyable, I offer a few words of advice for those who are unfamiliar with our proud and traditional culture. There is a great Russian saying: The rough road becomes smooth once you smash down the bumps. With my comments here today, I hope to smooth that road for our most honored visitors.

 

First, though I find the idea of homosexual athletes ridiculous, let me say this to any homosexual athletes, probably American, who are attending Sochi games: You are welcome, but your lifestyle ways are not. You may strive on the field of contesting, but please, leave children in peace.

 

Speaking now to any Negro American athletes who may be attending Sochi games, I say welcome! But please know that in Russia it is crime to steal chickens. Okay? If any homosexual American Negro athletes are coming, welcome – but please leave chickens and children in peace.

 

To our friends and athletes from African nations, I say welcome! You are treasured visitors here. And, unlike in your countries, we do not boil and eat visitors in noble Russia. So welcome, and enjoy the experience of living in civilized country for a few days.

 

To our friends and contestants from the land of South America, I also extend a warm welcome. But I tell you this: In Russia, we do not want your cocaine, and we do want keep our televisions. And we will count our televisions before grand Sochi games visitors have left, just so you know. So called “TV dash” may be athletic event in your country, but is not in Russia.

 

On related note to our Muslim friends coming to Sochi games, let me make it clear: Bomb throw may be big athletic event in your heathen culture, but not in Russian culture. If you want blow something up, please to do it on your own soil, not on proud, rich earth of Mother Russia.

 

As for our friends coming from the land down under, Australia, I say to you welcome! Though you are all spawn of drunken criminals, please know that we will not judge you for this here in glorious Russia. We will absolutely watch you, yes, keep an eye on you, for sure. But we will not judge you. Your money is just as good as anyone else’s at the hotel bar, yes?

 

Speaking of which, to our visitors from Ireland – welcome! I know you will learn to love fine Russian potato vodka. Just try not to drink too much before Sochi games begin, yes? Ha ha! Of course you will drink too much! Potato vodka is delicious and irresistible!

 

To our most esteemed Arab friends who are coming to Russia, let me say welcome, welcome, welcome! Though I don’t know how you can hope to compete while wearing ridiculous, flowing robes, welcome nonetheless. Please be advised: Though we value and respect your great wealth here in Russia, our customs dictate a man may only have one bride at a time. Our glorious Russian beauties are to be admired, yes, but they cannot be bought for to take home as wives. Sorry! I feel your heartbreak, really!

 

If we have any guests coming from nation of Haiti, I say to you, welcome. Is important to note, however, that voodoo is illegal in Russia. Russian citizens have already been warned that requests for pieces of cloth or clippings of hair for “souvenirs” are lies. To repeat: No voodoo. But welcome!

 

To our war-mongering friends from the country of Germany – welcome. I am so happy to think of your dreams of glory once again floundering on rich Russian soil. Welcome! Ha ha!

A special warm greeting to our visitors from Japan. Though you are tiny nation, and tiny people, I offer you a big, Russian welcome! Please enjoy stay in Russia, and maybe, when Sochi games are done, you will stay for longer visit to help Russian school children with homework, yes?

 

As for all you lady athletes coming to large, strong land of Russia, I wish to extend a warm and personal welcome. Should any of you have problems with drunken Irishmen or groping Arabs, I wish you to let me know personally. Such things will not be tolerated in Russia. I will have Kremlin staff give lady athletes my direct number, okay? Call me, day or night. I am always ready, you know what I mean?

 

So, let the games begin! Welcome! In the spirit of honorable competition I say welcome! You are welcome visitors, and will be treated with respect. All I request is that our traditions and culture also be treated with respect.

JUST HOW STUPID IS DENNIS RODMAN?

 

Announcer: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to tonight’s episode of Just How Stupid Is Dennis Rodman? And now, here’s your host, Chuck Palmer! (Applause.)
 

Chuck: Hello, hello! Good evening, and welcome to Just How Stupid Is Dennis Rodman? We’re glad you could join us tonight! We’ve got three new contestants with us, just raring to get going. A hearty welcome to them as well. (Applause.)
 

As you know, our show works like this: We field three contestants, and ask them a series of questions relating to Dennis Rodman’s knowledge of the world. The goal is not to give the correct answer, per se, but rather, to give the answer that Dennis Rodman would give.
 

And how do we know what answer Dennis Rodman would give? Well, we’ve asked him all these same questions ahead of time, so the answers are, at least in the view of Dennis Rodman, accurate representations of the facts in question. Of course, sometimes he does accidently get something actually, factually correct, so players, stay on your toes, alright? (Laughter.) Alright! Now, let’s get started, shall we?
 

First, let’s meet tonight’s contestants. (Applause.) Up first, is Chelsea Slowden, she’s nineteen, and an unemployed single mother of three from Bittercreek, Alabama. Welcome, Chelsea! (Applause.) Next, meet Lionel Frobbush. Lionel is fifty-four, has never been married, and still lives with his mother in beautiful, scenic Bleak Falls, Minnesota. (Applause.) And finally, please say hello to Desmond Gibbons, who is just five years old. (Applause.) Desmond, I’m guessing that you still live with your mother, too – am I right? (Laughter.)
 

Alright contestants, let’s begin, shall we? Tonight’s first question falls under the heading of world history. Are you ready? Our first question: Who won World War II? Was it: A) The United States and their European allies. B) Germany and Japan. C) The Earthlings. Or D) The Martians.
 

Chelsea: I’m gonna go with B, Chuck.
 

Lionel: Most interesting, Chuck. But, from a Rodman perspective, I would concur with Chelsea that B seems the most promising answer.

Desmond: Ima thay A, Thuck.

Chuck: Oh, I’m so sorry contestants. This was a tricky one. But the correct incorrect answer was actually C. Dennis Rodman answered that “The Earthlings” won World War II. And Desmond, I’ll just caution you to be wary of giving the actual, factual correct answer too often. This is Dennis Rodman we’re talking about, after all. (Laughter.)

Desmond: Thorry, Thuck.

Chuck: Okay, moving on to the next question. This from the category of world affairs. This small Asian nation is known for, among other things, having an economy based on gross domestic happiness. Are we talking about: A) Vietnam. B) Bhutan. C) Chinatown. Or D) North Korea. Contestants, what will it be? Chelsea?

Chelsea: Gotta go with D, Chuck.

Lionel: Well, Chuck, I feel the need to point out that “Chinatown” is not a nation.

Chuck: Lionel, I know that, and you know that. But the question is, does Dennis Rodman know that? (Laughter.) Your answer, please.

Lionel: D, Chuck.

Desmond: Me thay D, Thuck.

Chuck: Now that’s more like it! (Applause.) Of course, the correct incorrect answer is D, North Korea, with the actual correct correct answer being B, Bhutan. But boy, you know, given the sad state of the North Korean economy, maybe theirs is based on gross domestic unhappiness, am I right? (Laughter and applause.) Anyway, congratulations, contestants! (Applause.)

Now, we have time for one more question before we have to take a commercial break. Contestants, please listen carefully. This is another from the category of world history. This elite unit of warriors first came officially into being sometime around the year 1120, and were known, among other things, for their distinctive emblem, a large, red cross.

Am I talking about: A) The Red Cross. B) The Chicago Bulls. C) The Knights Templar. Or D) The Rolling Stones. Alright, contestants, what are your answers?

Chelsea: Uh, the Red Cross?

Lionel: Given his personal history and utter lack of historical knowledge, Chuck, I’ll go with B, the Chicago Bulls.

Desmond: I’ll thay C, Thuck.
 

Chuck: We have a new leader, folks! (Applause.) Congratulations, Lionel! The correct incorrect answer was indeed B, the Chicago Bulls, who, as any fool can tell you, did not actually exist until quite a few years after 1120. (Laughter.) Sorry, Chelsea. And Desmond, let me caution you again, young man, about giving too many actual, factual answers. Remember, you’re playing Just How stupid Is Dennis Rodman? (Laughter.) Facts don’t necessarily matter! Am I right? (Laughter and applause.) And we’ll be right back after these messages!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FAT BOY!

 

Kim Jong-Un:

 Making North Korea despot to be for doughy dictators.