Too Much, Too Soon: 2014 in Review

by M. Mania

          Falling somewhere between a blinding psychic flash and a fever-dream wish list, I’ve had a vision for the year 2014. In fact, a number of specific visions, as listed below…

          January 1st: After an awkward, Joe Pesci-esque, “So you think I’m funny?” moment of unintentional insult with his pal, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un, Dennis Rodman is sent to a North Korean prison camp to ponder the true nature of friendship.

          January 2^nd: Rob Ford does something embarrassing.

          February 7^th: Justin Bieber gives a concert at the Sochi Olympics. Vladimir Putin is filmed in the audience with tears streaming down his face as he shouts, “Justin, I love you!”

          February 14^th: In a surprise move, Governor C.L. Otter signs an executive order making gay marriage legal in Idaho. A press release follows, explaining – in great detail – why his nickname is “Butch.”

          March 20^th: The Pope travels to Pyongyang to plead for the release of Dennis Rodman. Afterwards, the Pope tweets that he found North Korea “to be a very queer place.”

          March 28^th: Kim Jong-un faxes a blurry threat to the Vatican, promising either “eternal hellfire” or an “internal selfie.”

          April 2^nd: While appearing on Glenn Beck’s show, “Butch” Otter proposes to Beck. With tears streaming down his face, Beck accepts.

          April 4^th: Bills legalizing gay marriage pass in both Nevada and Florida.

          April 5^th: Rob Ford does something embarrassing.

          May 22^nd: Dennis Rodman is released from the North Korean prison camp. At a press conference following his release, Rodman announces he is gay. No one much cares, though, as both reporters present are distracted by Rodman’s sign language interpreter, Thamsanqa Jantjie.

          May 23^rd: Rob Ford.

          May 25th^th: In response to Rodman’s announcement, the Westboro Baptist Church announces plans to picket all 2014 NBA Playoff games. In response, all members of the Houston Rockets and the Detroit Pistons announce they are gay.

          June 2^nd, 9:00AM EST: Google Glasses officially released.

          June 2^nd, 9:55AM EST: First case of someone wearing Google Glasses being killed by walking into oncoming traffic reported.

          June 2^nd, 10:01AM EST: Second case of someone wearing Google Glasses being killed by walking into oncoming traffic reported.

          July 25^th: Hercules, starring Dwayne Johnson opens at theaters nationwide. Though reviews are mixed, the prominent gay elements of the plot generate a great deal of press coverage.

          July 27^th: It’s announced that Hercules grossed $151 million in its opening weekend.

          July 3^rd: Even though it’s already legal there, California Governor Jerry Brown signs a second bill making gay marriage legal in the state, “just in case.”

          July 4^th: Arizona Governor Jan Brewer issues an executive order making gay marriage legal there immediately.

          July 7^th, 9:12AM: Jerry Brown issues an executive order making gay marriage mandatory in California, “barring extenuating circumstances.”

          July 7^th, 10:45AM: Jan Brewer holds a news conference at which she issues a public marriage proposal to Rachel Maddow. Her sign language interpreter mistakenly signs a proposal to Alec Baldwin instead.

          August 15^th: The Expendables 3 opens. It receives the best reviews of the series, and Sylvester Stallone is later nominated for an Oscar for the scene in which his character, Barney Ross, is mortally wounded and, with tears streaming down his face, tells his co-star Dolph Lundgren, “Of course I love you. I always loved you. You complete me, you big Swede.”

          August 17^th: It’s announced that The Expendables 3 grossed $169 million in its opening weekend.

          August 18^th: Alabama, Ohio, Oregon and both Dakotas pass bills legalizing gay marriage.

          September 11^th: Glenn Beck and “Butch” Otter announce their “25 Weddings in 25 States” tour.

          October 31^st: The surprise hit costume of the year is a combination of a fake grey beard and pink camouflage pants, sold under the name Duck DivaNasty.

          November 1st: Jesus Christ returns to Earth. He explains that he wanted to come back in time to attend the last stop on the “25 Weddings in 25 States” tour.

          November 4th: All remaining states pass bills and/or ballot measures legalizing gay marriage. Numerous elected officials announce they are gay.

          December 24^th: Jesus Christ gives his first media interview since returning to Earth, to MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow-Brewer. When asked if he is gay, Jesus replies: “No, I’m not. But after seeing Dwayne Johnson in Hercules, I can understand how you might be tempted. Wow! I wouldn’t mind casting the first stone at that Rock, you know what I mean?”