A BRIEF INTERVIEW WITH JOHN BOEHNER

by M. Mania

As we ring out the year 2013, I’m delighted to be able to bring to you a brief interview with someone who was very much in the news this year, and is likely to be in the news again next year, the Speaker of the House of Representatives, John Boehner. The Speaker and I met recently for a cup of coffee at a Fuddruckers Restaurant near his home in Butler County, Ohio.
 

MM: Thank you so much for making yourself available for this interview.
 

JB: Of course. Glad to do so. Of course, I can’t give you much time.
 

MM: I understand.
 

JB: Is that your coffee or mine?
 

MM: Uh, it’s yours. I’m having tea.
 

JB: Oh. Okay.
 

MM: I wanted to start -

 

JB: Are we sharing these fries?
 

MM: Sure. That’s why I got a large basket.
 

JB: Great. I’m just on the go so much, it’s hard to get a bite sometimes.
 

MM: We can order in a minute.
 

JB: Alright.
 

MM: Now, I wanted to start by asking you about the new poll that came out that shows a pretty marked difference between Republicans and Democrats when it comes to believing in evolution.
 

JB: Uh huh.
 

MM: The poll shows that the percentage of Democrats and independent voters who believe in evolution has pretty much held steady over the past five years at about 65 percent, whereas the number of Republicans who believe in evolution has dropped from a majority, 54 percent, to a minority, just 43 percent, in the same five years.
 

JB: Is that a question?
 

MM: Well, the question is, well, I guess I’d start by asking if you personally believe in evolution?
 

JB: I believe that people of good faith can have different views on this issue.
 

MM: But do you believe in evolution?
 

JB: As I said, I believe that people of good faith can have different views.
 

MM: So is that a yes, or a no?
 

JB: I’ve answered your question.
 

MM: So do you have any comments on how these numbers have changed regarding Republicans?
 

JB: Not really. People of good faith and all.
 

MM: But you do acknowledge that the numbers have changed in the last five years?
 

JB: That’s what you say, isn’t it?
 

MM: So, if the numbers have changed over the last five years, couldn’t you say that the Republican view on evolution has evolved over the past five years?
 

JB: Now you’re just trying to put words in my mouth.
 

MM: No, I’m –
 

Frankie (Fuddruckers Waitstaff): Are you gentlemen ready to order now?
 

JB: I’m going to need a few more minutes.
 

Frankie: Excellent. I’ll be back then.
 

MM: Now then, I was asking if you believe that the views of Republican voters on evolution have, collectively, changed over the past five years.
 

JB: And I said that it’s entirely possible and reasonable for you to say that, yes. Though I’m not too thrilled with that word, collectively.
 

MM: And so, isn’t it reasonable to say that another word for change, a synonym, could be evolution?
 

JB: Well, you could say that. I’m not saying that.
 

MM: Let me try a different approach, okay? Have you, um, have you, personally, grown either physically or intellectually since you were, say, five years old?
 

JB: What sort of a question is that?
 

MM: Just bear with me, please. I think my follow up will make it all clear.
 

JB: Well, of course I’ve grown since I was five. I’m taller, have a deeper voice, a deeper understanding of the world, and still think this is a silly waste of time question.
 

MM: So, as you just stated, in your case, in your personal experience, you have in fact grown. And if we accept that growth could include an element of change, and that change could be a sort of synonym for evolution –

 

JB: Is that a question, or a statement?
 

MM: I’m just trying to get you to see that you have, in fact, essentially admitted that you yourself have personally evolved, and –
 

JB: Now you’re putting words in my mouth again.
 

MM: So you don’t believe in evolution?
 

JB: I never said that.
 

MM: So you do believe in evolution?
 

JB: I never said that.
 

MM: So could you, would you, state what you believe?

 

Frankie: Ready to order now?
 

JB: Yes. I’ll have the Wild Boar Burger, with pepper jack cheese – to go.
 

Frankie: Would you like fries with that?
 

JB: No. I had some already.
 

Frankie: Great! That’ll be ready in just a few minutes.
 

MM: Do you think that being perceived as anti-science will hurt Republicans in the 2014 midterm elections?
 

JB: I didn’t say that.
 

MM: I didn’t say you said it. I was asking a question.
 

JB: And I’ve answered all your questions.
 

MM: So does this mean –
 

JB: It’s been a pleasure talking with you. Best wishes to you for a happy New Year.

 

 

SELFIE ESTEEM STUDY RESULTS

by Dr. Ernst Renault, Ph.D

“A well-stocked collection of selfies seems to get attention. And attention is the name of the game…the power to attract viewers…is power indeed. Attention is power.”

          James Franco/The New York Times

The actor James Franco managed to get himself a great deal of publicity with his column musing on the power of selfies – a column and argument augmented by the inclusion of a number of his own selfies. As a scientist, I think his column was pretty damned compelling evidence that his theory is correct. I mean, why else would anyone care what James Franco has to say on any subject if not for the power imbued in him by his self-admitted addiction to selfies? Why else would he have been billed over Ray Liotta in The Iceman for what was essentially a by-the-numbers cameo, when Mr. Liotta had a bigger part that was more essential to the story?

Obviously, the power of Mr. Franco’s selfies are giving his career a boost it otherwise would likely not have.

After reading Mr. Franco’s piece, I was reminded of Geraldo Rivera’s famous topless (and almost more) selfie from earlier this year, and his boast that “70 is the new 50.” Now, I wouldn’t go that far, but, from the evidence Mr. Rivera presented, it does seem safe to say that, in his case at least, 70 is the new 60ish. Again a claim of power, of vitality. Again, the link to selfies.

 

 

My scientific curiosity was aroused. My mind burned to know more.

And so, with a few of my colleagues, I designed an experiment to test the selfie equals power hypothesis. Rather obviously, I am not an actor or a journalist, so it was decided that it would be unwise to try and measure any growth in power in those fields during the course of the experiment. Instead, it was decided to measure simple raw physical strength, or power, if you will, instead.

The first step in this was to establish a baseline. Using myself – who else? – as the subject of the experiment, my progress was charted as described below.

DAY 1: Gym membership and strength (power) baseline established. Able to do six repetitions (each arm) with a 20 lb. barbell.

DAY 2: Able to do four (left arm) and five (right arm) repetitions with 20 lb. barbell. Both arms still sore from previous day’s exertion.

DAY 3: Instagram account (for experiment) established. No photos taken or sent. Able to do seven 20 lb. repetitions with each arm.

DAY 4: Took a half-dozen selfies throughout the morning. Instagram account engaged. At gym, was able to do ten 20 lb. repetitions with ease.

DAY 5: Took two-dozen selfies throughout the morning. During gym visit, was able to do a dozen 35 lb. repetitions with ease – and ran three miles on the treadmill without breaking a sweat.

DAY 6: No gym today, but did take some dozens of selfies throughout the day. In the late afternoon, at the grocery store, a number of attractive women gave me what seemed to be admiring glances. (Admittedly, these particular results are difficult to quantify.)

DAY 7: Took first selfie before getting out of bed in the morning. Dozens more taken before hitting the gym at lunch. Two gym regulars (male) greeted me with, “Yo, dude.” Did forty-two repetitions with 50 lb. barbells, and five miles on the treadmill. Also two-hundred sit-ups.

DAY 8: Took targeted number of one-hundred selfies before hitting the gym. Instagram numbers over five-hundred mark. Ripped out seventy reps with 50 lb. barbells with no sweat. Chicks on treadmills clearly took notice. Oh yeah, two-hundred more sit-ups, too.

DAY 9: In the morning, woke up from dream in which I’d been taking selfies with a camera as big as a coffee table, before being attacked by a giant piece of French Toast, to find that I’d ripped my mattress in half in my sleep. Snapped a shitload of selfies. Hit the gym. Cranked out one-hundred reps with 60 lb. barbells, did eight miles on the treadmill, two-hundred sit-ups, and made a date with Cecilia, the cute chick who’s always on the treadmills at lunchtime.

DAY 10: Breakfast of selfies before hitting the mall to buy new clothes to replace all the shirts and pants I’ve blown out in the past few days. Totally lovin’ the lycra. Tons of selfies while shopping. At the gym, did ten miles on the treadmill (Hi, Cecilia!) while carrying two 75 lb. barbells. Three hundred sit-ups. Ran home, then ran back to the gym to get my car.

DAY 11: Selfies, including several of me holding up copies of other selfies. Decided to run to gym again. Took selfies on the way, which distracted me from traffic. Got hit by minivan, which got totally wrecked. Walked away without a scratch. Gym, hi-fives from my bros there, dinner with Cecilia, selfies with Cecilia.

DAY 12: Good morning for selfies, but ran into problems at gym. Loser there made cracks about me while I was doing twelve miles on the treadmill with two 100 lb. barbells strapped on my back, taking selfies. Finally, put camera down, ripped barbells off back, and threatened to smash loser with them. Gym manager, Todd, asked me to leave and “cool down.” Got home, took selfie, and see me totally ripped out new workout t-shirt. Totally.

DAY 13: Took selfies. Buy new shirt. Go to gym. Same loser! Want to smash him again. Todd call police. Police! Make things worse! First pair of handcuffs not hold me. Police have to use three pairs! At police station, want to take selfie for mugshot, but police say no. Stupid police! Me smash! You think puny cell will hold me?!?

DAY 14: Experiment cancelled. Dr. Renault missing. Results conclusive, but troubling.

 

 

Though this piece is a little out of date now, I am adding the uncensored version here for posterity. (The version that ran in the local newspaper a few weeks ago didn't include the gay bathhouse segment, among other things.) I hope that you'll enjoy this extended version of The Further Admissions of Rob Ford. And I trust that we have not heard the last from our...colorful and corpulent Canadian friend.

THE FURTHER ADMISSIONS OF ROB FORD

First of all, I would like to address the accusations that have been made that I have somehow lied about my drug use in the past. This is not the case. I have always answered all questions put to me fully and truthfully at all times. So, when in the past I was asked if I had ever smoked crack, I answered "No." Had I been asked if I had ever smoked prescription crack, I would have answered yes, yes I have. Though I do personally believe that this is a matter of private concern between my doctor and myself, the events of the last few days have compelled me to speak to this issue in this public manner.

Furthermore, though, again, I am not under any obligation, legal or otherwise, to disclose any private medical issues I may, or may not, be facing, let me just say that whatever crack I may, or may not, have smoked, was part of a planned, doctor-authorized medical program. As some of you may know, I often drink prodigious, mind-numbing amounts of alcohol. Alcohol is, of course, a well-known depressant. That being the case, the crack use, or not, was part of a targeted program to balance out my use of depressants, alcohol and otherwise, with stimulants. This well-balanced medical approach is similar to the balanced approach I have tried to bring to the City's budgeting process. I am proud of the perspective I have brought to that process, by the way.

On a related note, I'd like to take this opportunity to address some budget-related, well, what I would call gossip items that have been alluded to in the press. Yes, it is true that, at times, I may have tried to sell a variety of City-owned vehicles without the consent, authorization or knowledge of either the City Council or the City administration. Our chief of police is a good man, and, if he says that there are multiple security camera videos that show me engaged in such activities, I can think of no reason for him to lie about that. However, let me make it clear that I have no personal recollection of any such incidents, or not, due to the medical condition and/or treatment I mentioned a moment ago. With that being the case, I, of course, can offer no comments on the allegations made that I, on several occasions, assaulted various car dealers when they, rightfully so, refused to buy said City vehicles - if in fact they had been offered for sale. In any case, if my actions, real or otherwise, offended, frightened or injured anyone at any time, I am truly sorry for that.

I should say that, on a related note, I am disappointed that our local press has seen fit to run stories about me that, in my opinion are what I would call fact-deficient and slanderous, if not potentially mostly untrue. Just because someone, or several someones, claim to have seen me driving wildly, erratically, and at high and clearly illegal rates of speed through downtown, does not make it true. As a politician, even in the best of times, you make enemies, and if some of my enemies think it is in their interest to spread stories of me driving recklessly while shouting threats and obscenities at other drivers, well, I think that says more about them than it does about me. Especially given the lack, at this time, of any sort of videos or evidence to support their claims. Should such video, videos or evidence come to light, I am sure we will revisit this issue.

And, speaking of visits, I guess this is as good a time as any to address the photos that have surfaced that appear to show me, or someone who, admittedly, looks a great deal like me, visiting a gay bathhouse. Let me just say that I am proud to represent all of the citizens of our city - gay or straight, regardless of color or creed or medical condition. I am not a bigot. And, if, in fact, I was seen visiting a gay bathhouse, I am sure it was during the course of campaigning for office, or perhaps making a speech of some sort. I have a very busy schedule, as you can imagine, and I think it is unrealistic to expect me to remember each and every public, or not, appearance that I have made. Or haven't, as the case may, or may not, be.

Related to that, I would like to say that the use of poppers and/or meth, either smoked and/or snorted, is not uncommon at said bathhouses, and should any photos - and they should not - but, if any photos should appear that seem to show me using one or more of those substances in said bathhouse, I would like for you all to put it in the context of being culturally sensitive. Again, I am not a bigot. I do not judge others, especially while driving. Let me also just say that I do have some body image issues, and, should any nude, semi-nude and/or pornographic pictures of me come to light, I would urge the press to use restraint and tact when coming up with headlines, photo captions and/or hurtful nicknames for me.

Finally, I would like to take this opportunity to thank those who have stood by me through these trying months, those who have kept the faith in me. I know it hasn't always been easy. I'd like to thank my loving wife, who is on an extended trip abroad. And I'd like to thank the members of our local confederated tribes, who hosted a recent fundraiser for me. And I would like to assure my tribal brothers, and sisters, that, all evidence to the contrary, I have no personal recollection of stealing and/or attempting to sell a number of your sacred artifacts.

Thank you,

 

Mayor Rob Ford

 

Too Much, Too Soon: 2014 in Review

by M. Mania

          Falling somewhere between a blinding psychic flash and a fever-dream wish list, I’ve had a vision for the year 2014. In fact, a number of specific visions, as listed below…

          January 1st: After an awkward, Joe Pesci-esque, “So you think I’m funny?” moment of unintentional insult with his pal, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un, Dennis Rodman is sent to a North Korean prison camp to ponder the true nature of friendship.

          January 2^nd: Rob Ford does something embarrassing.

          February 7^th: Justin Bieber gives a concert at the Sochi Olympics. Vladimir Putin is filmed in the audience with tears streaming down his face as he shouts, “Justin, I love you!”

          February 14^th: In a surprise move, Governor C.L. Otter signs an executive order making gay marriage legal in Idaho. A press release follows, explaining – in great detail – why his nickname is “Butch.”

          March 20^th: The Pope travels to Pyongyang to plead for the release of Dennis Rodman. Afterwards, the Pope tweets that he found North Korea “to be a very queer place.”

          March 28^th: Kim Jong-un faxes a blurry threat to the Vatican, promising either “eternal hellfire” or an “internal selfie.”

          April 2^nd: While appearing on Glenn Beck’s show, “Butch” Otter proposes to Beck. With tears streaming down his face, Beck accepts.

          April 4^th: Bills legalizing gay marriage pass in both Nevada and Florida.

          April 5^th: Rob Ford does something embarrassing.

          May 22^nd: Dennis Rodman is released from the North Korean prison camp. At a press conference following his release, Rodman announces he is gay. No one much cares, though, as both reporters present are distracted by Rodman’s sign language interpreter, Thamsanqa Jantjie.

          May 23^rd: Rob Ford.

          May 25th^th: In response to Rodman’s announcement, the Westboro Baptist Church announces plans to picket all 2014 NBA Playoff games. In response, all members of the Houston Rockets and the Detroit Pistons announce they are gay.

          June 2^nd, 9:00AM EST: Google Glasses officially released.

          June 2^nd, 9:55AM EST: First case of someone wearing Google Glasses being killed by walking into oncoming traffic reported.

          June 2^nd, 10:01AM EST: Second case of someone wearing Google Glasses being killed by walking into oncoming traffic reported.

          July 25^th: Hercules, starring Dwayne Johnson opens at theaters nationwide. Though reviews are mixed, the prominent gay elements of the plot generate a great deal of press coverage.

          July 27^th: It’s announced that Hercules grossed $151 million in its opening weekend.

          July 3^rd: Even though it’s already legal there, California Governor Jerry Brown signs a second bill making gay marriage legal in the state, “just in case.”

          July 4^th: Arizona Governor Jan Brewer issues an executive order making gay marriage legal there immediately.

          July 7^th, 9:12AM: Jerry Brown issues an executive order making gay marriage mandatory in California, “barring extenuating circumstances.”

          July 7^th, 10:45AM: Jan Brewer holds a news conference at which she issues a public marriage proposal to Rachel Maddow. Her sign language interpreter mistakenly signs a proposal to Alec Baldwin instead.

          August 15^th: The Expendables 3 opens. It receives the best reviews of the series, and Sylvester Stallone is later nominated for an Oscar for the scene in which his character, Barney Ross, is mortally wounded and, with tears streaming down his face, tells his co-star Dolph Lundgren, “Of course I love you. I always loved you. You complete me, you big Swede.”

          August 17^th: It’s announced that The Expendables 3 grossed $169 million in its opening weekend.

          August 18^th: Alabama, Ohio, Oregon and both Dakotas pass bills legalizing gay marriage.

          September 11^th: Glenn Beck and “Butch” Otter announce their “25 Weddings in 25 States” tour.

          October 31^st: The surprise hit costume of the year is a combination of a fake grey beard and pink camouflage pants, sold under the name Duck DivaNasty.

          November 1st: Jesus Christ returns to Earth. He explains that he wanted to come back in time to attend the last stop on the “25 Weddings in 25 States” tour.

          November 4th: All remaining states pass bills and/or ballot measures legalizing gay marriage. Numerous elected officials announce they are gay.

          December 24^th: Jesus Christ gives his first media interview since returning to Earth, to MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow-Brewer. When asked if he is gay, Jesus replies: “No, I’m not. But after seeing Dwayne Johnson in Hercules, I can understand how you might be tempted. Wow! I wouldn’t mind casting the first stone at that Rock, you know what I mean?”