I
met Mohammed in the line for the men’s room at a Who concert a few years ago.
While we were waiting, we got to talking, you know? About our favorite Who
songs and things like that. I remember he said his favorite song was “Boris the
Spider,” which, let’s face it, is kind of a lame choice.
Anyway,
we got to talking about the song, “My Generation,” and I said it was kind of
weird we were there to see guys in their sixties singing, “Hope I die before I
get old.” I just was making conversation, thought it was kind of funny.
He
just looked at me all serious all of a sudden and said something like, “Dude,
if you think that’s bad, imagine a pissing match that’s been going on since the
7th century.” I just kind of nodded and said, “Uh, yeah, whatever.”
Danny F., Chicago, IL
Looking for Who? Mohammed, that's Who!
Oh
yeah, Mohammed. We had to kick him out of my friend Cheryl’s baby shower a
couple of years ago. No, really!
There
were about twelve of us there, and we’d all been in the kitchen getting drinks
and talking, and when we moved into the living room to do the presents, there
he was – this Mohammed.
It
was really creepy. He was just
standing there, smiling this big weird smile, wearing these big, baggy pants.
For a second, Cheryl thought he’d come with one of us, but when it became clear
that that was not the case, she asked
him who the hell he was. He just smiled and said something like, “I am the
Prophet.” Yeah, right.
So
we told him he’d have to leave, but he just kept smiling, and then tried to
tell us he was the caterer – only the shower wasn’t being catered, right? Finally, when a couple of us whipped
out our phones and started taking his picture, and calling the police, he
finally left.
But
he kept smiling the whole time. Ick.
I still get the creeps when I think about it. Poor Cheryl! It spoiled her magic
day!
Patti S., Bayonne, NJ
Mohammed?
Yeah, I met him once. It was at a strip club outside, what, Syracuse I think.
Anyway, I’m there with my friend Jake, and I’m like, “Is that who I think it
is?” And Jake’s like, “Uh huh.”
Now,
mind you, I’m there for the ladies, right? But this is just, like, the perfect
opportunity to ask this guy something I’d always wondered about. So I go up to
him and say, “Hey, aren’t you Mohammed,” and he just kind of glares at me, so I
figure, yeah, it’s him.
Anyways,
now that I got his attention, I ask him, “How do you reconcile your followers’
frequently stated desire to live a primitive life, much like their ancestors
did centuries ago, while at the same time using modern technology to attract
converts to Islam, say, via the internet and other means?”
Guy
gets real, real dark, right, like I just pissed in his drink or something. He
sticks him finger right in my face, and says, “Hey asshole, I’m just here for
the titties, so back off!” Real tough guy, right? Yeah, right. So I start to
answer, and he up and throws his beer right in my face!
Long-story-short,
before I can clean this guy’s clock, the bouncer’s got him by the neck, dragging
him outside, shouting about how he’d been warned before, now he’s eighty-sixed,
all that kind of stuff. Bouncer, big guy, biceps like fucking tree trunks,
tosses him right out onto his ass. Right on his ass! I tell you, we laughed all
night about that one!
Frankie F., Utica, NY
You
know how everyone is always going on and on about how you can’t see the face of
the prophet? No one can know what the prophet looks like! You must not show the
prophet! Oh, please.
Well,
I only saw him once, at a nude beach south of the city, and let me tell you,
his face is the least of his
problems! I don’t want to be mean, but, let’s just say he made Ron Jeremy look
very, very slim, smooth and sexy by comparison. Okay?
Jami O., San Francisco, CA
Not the face - or body - of Mohammed.
Hmmm,
now where was it we saw Mohammed? Oh, that’s right, it was at a chili cook-off
in Waco a couple of years ago. We were down there to visit our in-laws for the
weekend. He was a big fella, sure looked like he enjoyed his chili!
You
probably know, these kind of cook-offs usually have all kinds of chilis to try.
Beef, beans, red chili peppers, green chili peppers, that sort of thing.
Everyone’s got their special, super-secret recipe.
As
I recall, this Mohammed fella was at a booth serving this thing they called a
bacon chili cheese burger, or something like that. He sure seemed to be making
quick work of some of that, I remember. And that got me thinking.
So
I went up to him, and tapped him on his shoulder, and said, “Excuse me, Mister
Mohammed, but can I ask you something?” I think I caught him a little by
surprise, to tell you the truth. He just kind of nodded.
I
said, “I thought you Muslim fellas had some sort of rule against eating pork,
but here I see you enjoying a big bowl of bacon cheeseburger chili. Isn’t that
against your rules or something?”
Well,
he just ups and busts out laughing, right in my face. And I remember he said
something like, “Dietary restrictions are for followers, not leaders!” Then he
laughed some more, and well, I sort of did too, and he slapped my back and said
something like, “You’re alright – for an infidel!” And then, dang if he didn’t
go back for a second bowl of that bacon cheese chili burger chili thing.
Roxanne B, Lubbock, TX
Oh
god, yeah, we saw Mohammed once. It was so embarrassing – for him. We were at
Comic-Con, I think it was 2012, maybe 2013, and there he was, Mohammed himself,
dressed as the Punisher.
He
was being this kind of creepy-sad. He kept going up to all the Asian girls
there, and he’d say things like, “Are you Jewish? Are you Jewish? Oooh, I’d
like to punish you!” It made no sense
at all. Of course, they’d just get the hell away from him as fast as possible.
We were pretty sure he had to be drunk.
It
was so pathetic. He really seemed to
think he was hot, or spooky, or something. But really, he was just another fat
guy in a leather jacket who needed a shave.
Jim V., Los Angeles, CA
Poor man's Castle - the face of Mohammed.
